September 11

I don't know why, I'm just angry all the time, at everything.

And I am so tired of being fat.

August 7

I do not want to be who they want me to be.

Do you ever feel like your life has sunken into so much shit that there is just no possible way of ever crawling out? What do you do when your foundation falls apart?

Someone asked me today, "What is one thing that you really miss?"

And I said, "Happiness."

I want to start over.

August 5

My banana split:

The first initial bite was great. My tongue swelled with all the flavors my stomach had been missing. My eyes widened. I could feel my starved stomach devouring that first bite. Then, after about the third bite, everything just changed. After the third bite I stared down at the banana split. My heart pounding out of my chest. "What are you doing Adeline? What are you doing?" I did not know what I was doing. My eyes began to get moist. "Why am I crying?" I tried to stop myself from eating the rest, but, as usual, I could not. I started to eat it all. No, not eat...shovel. I shovelled every last bit of that banana split into my mouth while tears streamed down my face. I was unable to stop. I was scared of what I was doing. "How will I fix this?" I was terrified of the consequences.

I do not know what happened when it was all over. I do not remember how I cleaned up. The exact time I fell asleep. How I managed to change my clothes. All I know is that it is over and I need to say my goodbyes to the monster inside of me and wave hello to my safe self, the self I have always known, the 800-calories-a-day-Adeline. The woman I want to be.

I'm so tired of food.

August 2

I am going to eat a whole banana split by myself in 30 minutes.

I have already planned this in my head.

It is going to happen...

and once it is over

I am never eating ever again.

May 4

Classes are almost over.

My last final is Friday and then I will be done with this semester of college.

I think the stress is what is getting to me, what is making me act like a pig.

Today was better, but not what I wanted it to be. I wanted a fast, but, I will work back up to that.

I am almost done.

I can feel the freedom.

May 3

I just devoured a big mac, a spicy mcchicken sandwich, a medium fry and a large fry.

I feel like throwing up, but I can't, I just can't.

My gag reflex doesn't work and I am all out of laxatives and I give up on everything.

Why can't I just stop eating?

I shouldn't be crying, I'm so weak. So weak.

I don't know what to do.

I'm scared.

March 23

I broke my fast today after 48 hours. I tried to make it to 72 but my body just couldn't.

As of right now I am eating a cup full of frozen pineapple and frozen dark cherries. Eh. My body just needs nutrients right now because I am feeling sick, so I had to eat something. I may fast again for the next two days. If I don't fast tomorrow, I will make sure my calories do not go over 500.

I'm so tired. I need sleep, but lately when I sleep, I don't want to wake up.

I'm going to go watch some TV and try to fall asleep.