August 2

I am going to eat a whole banana split by myself in 30 minutes.

I have already planned this in my head.

It is going to happen...

and once it is over

I am never eating ever again.

May 4

Classes are almost over.

My last final is Friday and then I will be done with this semester of college.

I think the stress is what is getting to me, what is making me act like a pig.

Today was better, but not what I wanted it to be. I wanted a fast, but, I will work back up to that.

I am almost done.

I can feel the freedom.

May 3

I just devoured a big mac, a spicy mcchicken sandwich, a medium fry and a large fry.

I feel like throwing up, but I can't, I just can't.

My gag reflex doesn't work and I am all out of laxatives and I give up on everything.

Why can't I just stop eating?

I shouldn't be crying, I'm so weak. So weak.

I don't know what to do.

I'm scared.

March 23

I broke my fast today after 48 hours. I tried to make it to 72 but my body just couldn't.

As of right now I am eating a cup full of frozen pineapple and frozen dark cherries. Eh. My body just needs nutrients right now because I am feeling sick, so I had to eat something. I may fast again for the next two days. If I don't fast tomorrow, I will make sure my calories do not go over 500.

I'm so tired. I need sleep, but lately when I sleep, I don't want to wake up.

I'm going to go watch some TV and try to fall asleep.

March 22

The scale is lying, he has to be. I am not thin enough.

Today was my first successful full day of fasting. I am going to fast tomorrow also and see if I can make it through.

Sometimes I imagine how much better my life will be once I am thin and in control. I will be happy and loved. I will be wanted. I am sure these things are the only things that most of us want. To be important. To be thin. To be skinny.

I am not hungry.

March 21

I fasted for 19 hours today, then I ate two big sandwiches and 12 big potato fries. Fuck everything.

I just tried to purge for the first time and nothing came up. I think I'm doing it wrong. I just want those sandwiches out, I was doing so well...

I guess this is a start.

Tomorrow I will get my fasting to 24 hours.

Why am I so weak all of a sudden?

I am going to buy a scale tomorrow and hopefully I will find a good one.

I wish I had laxatives, or at least knew how to purge properly.

What do I want? I want to reach my goal weight, and fuck having little goals along the way. I want to be skinny and happy. I want love and control.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

If I want it bad enough.

March 20

I just got back to my apartment from spending the week at my parents house for Spring Break. I forgot my scale. I don't know what I am going to do for the rest of this week. No scale means that I will most likely restrict a lot more than usual just because I have no idea if I am losing or not. I only go by the numbers.

Regardless, my break was okay. I mean, I'm just ready to get back to school and get everything done with. I'm so tired of this semester and I can't wait until it ends.

This week my eating habits will probably be along the lines of lots of water, coffee and an occasional granola bar or some frozen fruit if I have to eat something.

This coming month, I need to lose 15 pounds. I just want to get to my goal weight already.

How are you all doing? Any new diets or anything you want to share?

Stay strong.