September 11

I don't know why, I'm just angry all the time, at everything.

And I am so tired of being fat.

August 7

I do not want to be who they want me to be.

Do you ever feel like your life has sunken into so much shit that there is just no possible way of ever crawling out? What do you do when your foundation falls apart?

Someone asked me today, "What is one thing that you really miss?"

And I said, "Happiness."

I want to start over.

August 5

My banana split:

The first initial bite was great. My tongue swelled with all the flavors my stomach had been missing. My eyes widened. I could feel my starved stomach devouring that first bite. Then, after about the third bite, everything just changed. After the third bite I stared down at the banana split. My heart pounding out of my chest. "What are you doing Adeline? What are you doing?" I did not know what I was doing. My eyes began to get moist. "Why am I crying?" I tried to stop myself from eating the rest, but, as usual, I could not. I started to eat it all. No, not eat...shovel. I shovelled every last bit of that banana split into my mouth while tears streamed down my face. I was unable to stop. I was scared of what I was doing. "How will I fix this?" I was terrified of the consequences.

I do not know what happened when it was all over. I do not remember how I cleaned up. The exact time I fell asleep. How I managed to change my clothes. All I know is that it is over and I need to say my goodbyes to the monster inside of me and wave hello to my safe self, the self I have always known, the 800-calories-a-day-Adeline. The woman I want to be.

I'm so tired of food.

August 2

I am going to eat a whole banana split by myself in 30 minutes.

I have already planned this in my head.

It is going to happen...

and once it is over

I am never eating ever again.

May 4

Classes are almost over.

My last final is Friday and then I will be done with this semester of college.

I think the stress is what is getting to me, what is making me act like a pig.

Today was better, but not what I wanted it to be. I wanted a fast, but, I will work back up to that.

I am almost done.

I can feel the freedom.

May 3

I just devoured a big mac, a spicy mcchicken sandwich, a medium fry and a large fry.

I feel like throwing up, but I can't, I just can't.

My gag reflex doesn't work and I am all out of laxatives and I give up on everything.

Why can't I just stop eating?

I shouldn't be crying, I'm so weak. So weak.

I don't know what to do.

I'm scared.

March 23

I broke my fast today after 48 hours. I tried to make it to 72 but my body just couldn't.

As of right now I am eating a cup full of frozen pineapple and frozen dark cherries. Eh. My body just needs nutrients right now because I am feeling sick, so I had to eat something. I may fast again for the next two days. If I don't fast tomorrow, I will make sure my calories do not go over 500.

I'm so tired. I need sleep, but lately when I sleep, I don't want to wake up.

I'm going to go watch some TV and try to fall asleep.

March 22

The scale is lying, he has to be. I am not thin enough.

Today was my first successful full day of fasting. I am going to fast tomorrow also and see if I can make it through.

Sometimes I imagine how much better my life will be once I am thin and in control. I will be happy and loved. I will be wanted. I am sure these things are the only things that most of us want. To be important. To be thin. To be skinny.

I am not hungry.

March 21

I fasted for 19 hours today, then I ate two big sandwiches and 12 big potato fries. Fuck everything.

I just tried to purge for the first time and nothing came up. I think I'm doing it wrong. I just want those sandwiches out, I was doing so well...

I guess this is a start.

Tomorrow I will get my fasting to 24 hours.

Why am I so weak all of a sudden?

I am going to buy a scale tomorrow and hopefully I will find a good one.

I wish I had laxatives, or at least knew how to purge properly.

What do I want? I want to reach my goal weight, and fuck having little goals along the way. I want to be skinny and happy. I want love and control.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

If I want it bad enough.

March 20

I just got back to my apartment from spending the week at my parents house for Spring Break. I forgot my scale. I don't know what I am going to do for the rest of this week. No scale means that I will most likely restrict a lot more than usual just because I have no idea if I am losing or not. I only go by the numbers.

Regardless, my break was okay. I mean, I'm just ready to get back to school and get everything done with. I'm so tired of this semester and I can't wait until it ends.

This week my eating habits will probably be along the lines of lots of water, coffee and an occasional granola bar or some frozen fruit if I have to eat something.

This coming month, I need to lose 15 pounds. I just want to get to my goal weight already.

How are you all doing? Any new diets or anything you want to share?

Stay strong.

March 19

"Adeline, why are you so fat?"

FAT

EAT

FAT

EAT

FAT

EAT

FAT

EAT

FAT

EAT

I am fat because I eat.

I eat because I'm mad.

I am sad because I eat.

I eat because I'm fat.

I am mad because I eat.

I eat because I'm sad.

My life is a simple: eat less, feel happier; eat more, feel shittier.

simple, simple, simple.

Diet for this week: coffee, water, frozen fruit.

February 22

"It's okay to gain a few pounds, it's okay."

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

"It is NOT okay Adeline. You are a slob. Unsuccessful, hideous, worthless, fat."

No matter how hard I try to make myself believe that one normal meal is okay. In the end, I end up hating myself that much more. In the end, the hatred is all my fault. The truth is, I know what will make me happy. Not eating. So my happiness depends on myself.

I'm back on frozen fruit, coffee and water.

I'm back to not enough sleep/too much sleep.

I'm back to myself.

February 15

Unfortunately.

I am still living.

Who wants to fast with me for the rest of the week?

I will begin daily posts again tomorrow.

Let you ladies know why I have been M.I.A.