October 12

I just had the most horrid internal food battle with myself...and in the end, food won.

I had not eaten for 15 hours, about to reach my 16th when a friend stopped by with a burger and fries. I literally excused myself to the bathroom and cried for almost 5 minutes trying to tell myself that I didn't have to eat it. One fucking, terrible panic attack later I washed my face and walked out of the bathroom and....I don't know how to explain it. It was as if I wasn't me. It wasn't me eating that burger and fries, but I was watching someone who looked like me eat it. And I couldn't stop her.

fast restarted at 2:30 p.m.

I just, want to lock myself in a room with no food forever.

I just want to drink water.

I just want to be happy.

I just want to sleep.