August 30

Eats for today:

Pistachio pudding mixed with kashi go lean crunch cereal and bloobs! I love love love bloobs.

Anyway, things are going by pretty slowly right now. Well, fast yet slow. If that makes any sense. I'm so scared that I am going to ruin my chances of transferring to the college of my dreams if I mess up homework or forget to study something important. I wish we could take a quiz or something so that I could know where I stand in all my school work; but I guess time will only tell.

Tonight I am planning on doing a small amount of homework so I wont feel overwelmed tomorrow and then watch a movie. I've been wanting to see "The one on the Right" for the longest time and now I am finally making time.

As far as intake goes, I kind of binged a bit today. My mother brought home some BBQ and I ate some along with two pieces of bread and lots of potato salad. I don't know. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll start again. I swear it's hard for me to eat a small amount of food because then it turns into a binge, uuuuugh.

So, saty strong girls! And let me know how you're doing. Any new eats for me to try out??

August 28

I have too much homework.

I never eat anymore.

I went out at 12 tonight and bought a shit ton of fruit so I can start eating some kind of solid.

I am losing about a pound a day.

I don't know what else to say. It's late late late and I just finished my history homework and I have SO MUCH MORE to do. I don't know why I thought sixteen hours this semester was a good idea, and taking two history based classes means a LOT of reading which means I am shit out of time all the fucking time. I like starving though. Makes me look thinner.

Anyway, I'll update tomorrow.

Stay strong girls. Let me know what's up.

August 26

So, I've finished a lot of my homework early as of right now and that's how I want things to go for the remainder of my semester here. The only reason I took 16 hours was to make sure that I kept myself busy so I wouldn't be worrying about anything. I think so far my plan has worked out some. I do eat a lot less now that school has started because I am stressing out a lot more even though I am not doing terrible at school by any means. I like feeling as if I have things to do though. It always keeps me on the edge of my seat.

Let's see, I know I haven't had any eats in a long long while but it's because I'm just not eating like I usually am. I'm sorry. I know some of you really looked forward to my food pictures because you got ideas from them and learned different combinations to try out. I'll get a few new things up eventually, maybe this weekend I'll muster up some courage to eat something. I need to watch my restricting. Do any of you have restricting as bad as this? Sometimes I can't control it.

So, I'm about done studying. I just came back to edit this post and then post it up before bed. I think I want to start writing about someone now. I'll call him J and let's just say he's the reason I do a lot of things. Not bad things, good things. He's my motivation, my rock, and essentially he has my heart.

Regrets for this being such a short post but I will certainly have longer ones in the future depicting eats and maybe a few of some of the places around my campus. Stick to your guns ladies and keep me updated on your lives. I love hearing how you all are doing. Nighty night.

August 25

First day in classes went surprisingly well. I didn't give up and I didn't hyperventilate. Did I have anxiety? Yes yes yes; but the thoughts of where I wanted to be in a few short months made me hold my head up and stick it out. Now I know that I can handle all the work. I feel so much better.

As far as restricting goes, I kind of made myself binge today. I was so upset that the scale didn't go down not even .1 of a pound that I gave up and decided to eat because I figured my metabolism needed a boost so, there's that. Back to square one tomorrow. No solids.

Tomorrow I have no classes so I'm going to sleep in a bit, wake up, study, do some laundry and make go look at some new bed spreads. Mine are all getting old. What about you girls? Any plans for tomorrow? How's everything going weight wise? I know we all have our good and bad days. Let me hear it.

August 24

Restricting is still going strong. I think it's mostly because classes start tomorrow and now I feel as if this is all make or break for me. I mean, the plans I have for my future are all dependent on me overcoming the obstacles that await for me tomorrow, and that scares me so much. All this anxiety. I don't know. I just hope that after tomorrow I will have a feel for things and then I wont feel so terribly ill at the thought of my future. I want to feel as if I am certain where I will be a few months from now. Only tomorrow will tell.

6 A.M. - Wake up

breakfast is going to be some protein bar eaten on the way to my first class. Then, nothing but coffee and water until I get home and my body decides if it wants to let me eat or not. We'll see. My weight is slowly creeping down. I am feeling lighter. I just hope I can keep it up.

As of right now I should probably get to sleep. I need to make sure I'm focused tomorrow or I know I will get a panic attack at some point. Anyway, I hope you girls are doing great and don't forget to update me on new foodies to try! Maybe you've had a bar recently that was jut FANTASTIC and you HAVE to tell me about it? Yeah, I'm a-waitin'! Keep it up, we can all reach our goals.

August 23

I've kind of been restricting full force lately. As of 5 p.m. yesterday evening I haven't had solid food except for coffee. When my restricting comes back full force like this, I know I am in for a ride. I realize this is all probably because of stress and anxiety, but at the same time I want to be able to control my intake to at least 500 calories a day, but sometimes my body just makes my mind block out food. Ack, I mean, whatever it's good because I do need to lose some major pounds, but I really need to look out for myself sometimes because restricting just comes naturally and when it comes back to me it is not good. I remember I went five days without food and lost about 15 pounds and that was the most scared I had ever been. I thought I was for sure going to blow right back up after I started eating again.

ANYWAY, to divert from that topic, I now have all my class books (with some on the way because they had to be ordered) and I have found where all my classes will be so I will not be too frightened about classes starting Wednesday. Am I excited? A little. Am I nervous? Yes. Do I have anxiety? Yes. Do I want to meet new people? Kind of, sort of, a little? My class days wont finish until 5:30 p.m. so I wont be home until well after 6:00 p.m. and I don't know. I just hope that everything works out and that I can get a good study system going so I can feel comfortable and no scared to death that I will fail. Ah well. Only time will tell I guess.

Anyway, how are things going with you girls? Anything new you would like to tell me about? Be it eats or boys or home or friends etc etc., I'm all ears.

August 22

Today was so terrible. I did go buy a new bag to carry all my school books in and my computer. I'm excited about starting classes but at the same time nervous as all hell. I mean, who wouldn't be I guess. I just get anxiety so much quicker than most people that I think I'm going to have a heart-attack if something goes wrong on Wednesday.

As far as intake goes today I did very very very good and I am super proud of myself. I didn't get a chance to take any pictures but I can tell you that all I had was some honey dew melon this afternoon with a bunch of grapes and strawberries and then lots of coffee throughout the day. That helped me through. I also went out and bought some low fat natural yogurt and some museli and I am going to eat it for breakfast tomorrow with some strawberries most likely. Thanks for the new food!

Hm, my plan for the rest of tonight is to watch some instant movies on netflix until I get tired and or scared and decide to fall asleep. I'm picking up my books tomorrow and doing the scoping out of the classrooms so all should be well come Wednesday.

Are any of you girls nervous about anything? Be it classes starting or new changes in your lives?

August 21

Well, I have my classes picked, orientation done and tuition paid. Now all I have left is picking up my books and scoping out the classes. The good thing? No classes on the weekends or Tuesday or Thursdays. So I have an ampule amount of study time which will do me good in the long run.

Besides all this shitty college stuff that's been going on there hasn't been much else. Today I ate more than usual, not a good thing. That's why I wont have any foodie pictures, but tomorrow for breakfast I am going to make something really really good, so you'll just have to wait and see.

I'm really just beat tonight and I don't know what to write about. Tomorrow is laundry day. I'm a boring person, ha. Tell me some interesting eats that you girls have made recently! I'd love to try new things.

August 19

I had a full on anxiety attack today. I just can't take all this guessing business anymore, it kills me. I don't like guessing and I don't like thinking about the what ifs etc etc., I just like the facts. Straight. Up. Facts.

Regardless, I'm not going to rant today. I'll just update you on my current college status and my eats and everything. As far as college goes, I finished the orientation and made an appointment for 1:30 p.m. tomorrow with my counselor to finalize my classes and print out my schedule, which is going to make me feel a whole lot better. I know a huge weight will be lifted off of my shoulders. After that the only things I will have left to do are go out and rent my books and scope out my classes before Wednesday, which isn't too bad.

Now for eats:

Grapes and strawberries with a packet of strawberry flavored breakfast essentials. Yum Yum Yum. I love breakfast too much.

That's all there really is to tell right now. I have a lot of shit going on, the same as anyone else and I know I'll get through it eventually, I just need to push myself a little bit harder. Things are just getting so tough though...sometimes I just want to give in. Tomorrow is another day and I know I'll wake up and think "fuck this shit," but at the same time I'll pull myself out of bed and get on with life because things wont happen unless I make them happen. I am going to make things happen. I am too strong for this. I deserve much better.

Stay strong girls. For me, and you.

August 18

I've been trying to finish up my online orientation so that I can make an appointment to pick my classes for this semester already, but for some fucking reason the university orientation site decided to go under matinence for the next 24 hours. Are you serious? Fuck. So now I have to wait even longer to get my classes picked.

As for eats, I have a few new ones to share:

Breakfast is my favorite meal, and sometimes my only meal, of the day. Here I had a simple bowl of low fat cherry yogurt with a serving of Fiber One. All mushed together. I love the way the Fiber One soaks up all the yogurt so well. It tastes so good and it's very filling.

I cannot even begin to explain how awesomely amazing and GOOOOD this was. I had a bowl of honeydew, which is my favorite fruit in the world, and then a side of Oatbran cooked with strawberries and a dollop of peanut butter in the middle of it all. Talk about YUM.

This was this mornings breakfast. Pistachio pudding, diced apples and a serving of Kashi Go-Lean Crunch. Talk about filling and fantastic.

This is what my bowl looked like after I mixed it all together. Overflooooww!! But it was so so so good and worth it. The Kashi Crunch cereal soaked up the pudding so well and the apples really complimented the pistachio so it was just like a party in my tummy.

Besides my eats I really haven't been doing much of anything else besides the gym and having constant anxiety attacks because of all this late stuff I have to do for college. I'm tired of always being the last one to get notice of important things. I don't even have my school books yet and classes start the 25th. (Here comes another anxiety arrival) FUCK.

I want to go see the new Julia Roberts movie tonight. It looks really good and she is so beautiful. Definitely an inspiration for me, and the movie is about finding yourself, which is something I need to work on.

Anyway, I'm going to go watch more Ghost Hunters. They're having a marathon today on SciFy, which I am in love with. What shows do you girls like watching? I also love Friends and The Big Bang Theory, you know, on the count of my nerdiness, ha.

August 15

I'm fed up. I want to die.

That is the most blunt I've ever been with myself and....it's

the truth. I'm fed up. F-E-D U-P. I know I deserve better than what I'm getting out of life but, fuck, bad things just happen to good people.

On a side note, I want to thank you guys who are always commenting on my especially bad days. You guys make me feel a great deal better knowing that there are other people who are feeling exactly the same way I am. Thank you, again.

Especially for dealing with all my bitching and moaning. I know I do a lot of that.

Today has been an okay day. I had one of these babies:

A Luna bar, Nutz Over Chocolate. I rounded it up to 200 calories and the rest of the day I really only had water and a couple cups of coffee.

Intake wise, I know I need to be eating more. The sheer amount of how much I have not been eating is taking its toll and I can tell. My body gets sleepy, my legs start to ache more than anything and I can change from feeling my usual "okay," to wanting to jump off of the Golden Gate Bridge the next second. The only thing is I can't bring myself to eat more because I know it will result in a binge and I DO NOT WANT THAT. We'll see what I end up doing tomorrow. By the way, the whole getting back to the gym thing worked out pretty damn well. I'm loving my new gym because it has a solitary room where I can just run on the treadmill alone or do the stair climber or stretch or run around like a mad person. Yeah, totally worth it.

Tomorrow is going to be a hell of a day in itself. As a repercussion caused by my family procrastinating with this whole moving to a different state ordeal, I have reaped the most terrible fucking benefits. I have to arrive at my university tomorrow and take a placement exam a week before my classes start and then I have to do orientation late and then I get to pick my classes. THIS, is what is causing most of my anxiety; but regardless I'll have to prevail through tomorrow.

I'm getting really sleepy, and I have to wake up early for the exam. I'll update later.

August 14

It happened today.

I stood in front of my mirror, mindlessly checking my hair and my face and my clothes before I walked out to go to the movies, and then it happened. I stopped moving and actually looked at myself and I thought, "Why the fuck don't I look as fragile as I feel?" I haven't eaten all day.

There comes a breaking point within me and I know exactly when it's about to happen. It happens when I try to maintain at least 800 calories a day. When I try to have a few snacks every four hours to make sure I get enough calories that day; but then slowly my mind doesn't let myself eat. I start thinking, "Oh I can miss this snack." And that is where it begins. When I start restricting, I essentially stop eating because I don't like to deal with all the calorie counting and so my mind just stops wanting food. I am in a very bad place, and it will only get worse from here. I don't know what to do, what to think, what to eat.

I need to look as fragile as I feel. Like, I'm going to fall to pieces. Sometimes I want to fall to pieces.

August 12

This morning I had two, count them, TWO, big, gigantic, enormous, colossal bowls of spaghetti topped high with cheese. What was I thinking? That I wanted to end my life and die from a heart attack caused by the shock of eating so much food. It didn't work.

I don't know what has gotten into me but today will be my first day back at the gym since I moved here. I'm planning on going every day even if it kills me. It's just sad that I had to resort to someone pushing me out of my fucking room to get me there. I know I will want to go back once I'm done with my first day. It's just the first step that's always the hardest, right? I've just been feeling like there is no way out of this cycle I am currently in but there is a tiny light right now. Something that will help me regain composure, control.

Sorry my eats haven't been up. It's just either that I haven't been eating, or I've been binging like crazy. I'll get through this.

August 11

Tomorrow is a new day.

Fuck.

Days binge free: 0

August 10

I've been going through so many up and downs the past couple of days that I have no idea how I am not already pulling out my hair and admitting that I am crazy because that's how I feel. Regardless though, I know I should be keeping up to date on my blog. I mean, without this I would be nothing but a bundle of self hatred with no way to vent and I have to be careful that I don't keep everything bottled inside or else I'll go back to restricting calories to absolute nothing. Anyway, here is basically what I've eaten the last couple of days:

A bowl of strawberries zapped in the microwave with a bagel thin filled with fat free cream cheese and some coffee.

I'd tell you guys that everything is fine and that I'm doing better, but I'm not. I'm never doing better. Fuck. I wish I could be happier so I could cue you guys in on things like my love life and my social life; but I really am just a fucked up, introverted, high matinence girl who is always anxious and analyzing everything inside her head. I'm sorry.

I did go to the store to stock up on more bars today. I acquired some Clif and Luna bars. I pretty much get all my calories from bars throughout the day. The only real food I eat is for breakfast and is mostly a carb with some type of fruit and a little protein powder. The rest of the day it's just me and my bars. Anyway, the rest of my night is going to be filled with Big Bang Theory re-runs and maybe some coffee. I'll update tomorrow, promise. Stay strong.

August 7

Sorry. I failed to muster up any strength to sit up and blog yesterday. I guess this just means I owe you double the eats. What do you girls like to eat? Let's start with yesterday.

Eats 8/6/10:

By far my favorite breakfast. Mixed berries (straw-blue-black) with a packet of Carnation Breakfast essentials. I love how the carnation powder gets all pudding-y with the berry juices.

Eats 8/7/10:

Bagel thin, smeared with low-fat cream cheese and piled high with cooked black berries. With a side of coffee, obviously.

Obviously, I didn't post yesterday because it was just a bad day; but in all honesty, I haven't had a good day in over a month. Things just seem to be getting worse by the day and nothing is looking up. I just, want to weigh 120 pounds already. I want to be at the University I planned on going to, not this shitty one I am forced to go to. I want to have my old life back. Where I was content having what little I had.

Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do people, who deserve great things to happen in their lives, only get the shit end. I don't understand the way the universe works. I work my ass off and I'm suppose to something to show for it, right? This place is fucked up.

Anyway, the days continue to get harder, longer, less memorable. I don't know. I wont be able to make it. One of these days I wont be able to make myself get out of bed. To breath. To open my eyes. Time is a scary concept for me and I wish I could control it. I wish I could make it go faster, slow down, pause. Time is continuously passing without mercy, without care, without judgment. Time does not wait. Time is a motherfucker. No matter how much I want to just lay in bed and not care and not breath and not live, I have to go on because somewhere inside of me I know that this is going to get better. I have this small part inside of me that goes on believing that something good is waiting for me. Something will happen and I will once again be content and happy. With each day, that little part is slowly dying...and that's the worst part because once that is gone, I will have nothing to live for. Until then I'll keep doing what I do. Keep going on. Again and again and again.

August 5

Breakfast eats: A bowl full of strawberries and blackberries, carnation milk packet and coffee. I like to mix the carnation packet into my berries and eat it like that because it turns kind of like pudding with the fruit juices.

Anyway, signing up for classes went all wrong today. Tomorrow is attempt number two. I will also attempt to stay below 800 calories tomorrow. I'll update my eats at the end of the day and let you know how that goes.

As for other things, I don't really know what to say. Things aren't going well but I met up with an old friend today and he told me something profoundly intriguing. He told me that perhaps I have been pulled back to this terrible town (from which I so desperately tried to get away) because I have unfinished business. He went on to explain that maybe this is the universe testing me and saying, "if she can handle this, then she can handle whatever happens next at University." Maybe I do have unfinished business. I just need to calm down.

Anxiety wise, I have been terrible. Everyday it is heightening and getting worse. Today I paced around the house for two hours just thinking and hating myself and trying to make stupid decisions that shouldn't even be that hard to make. I am a bundle of anxiety waiting to explode. I need to sleep.

August 4

Eat for today: Some mixed berries, a bowl of greek yogurt and a dark
chocolate Nature Valley granola bar.

Besides sharing my meal of the day I really don't feel like posting. Things haven't been going too well and my anxiety is getting worse with each passing day. I'm starting to see the sun less and less and my intake is becoming too low for me to feel energized. I sign up for my classes tomorrow, which I know is going to put my anxiety on a whole new level but this is something I have to do. Work has always taken my mind off of the pressure of counting calories and restricting so I'm hoping maybe this will help in some fucked up way.

I'm sorry I've been so down but the pressures of life are just too much as of late. Being away from everything I know isn't helping. I miss what used to be. Believe it or not I was happy at one point and looking back I realize that it wasn't even for a long period of time that I had happiness but a very short time. Exact time line? Two months. Two months of complete and utter happiness and now here I am, deteriorating away and falling short. All. The. Fucking. Time. When will I get a break?

August 3

Where is the line drawn between Anorexia and Compulsive eating? These binges are starting to blur my thought process and I really cannot tell the difference between my behaviours anymore. Yes, I have an eating disorder. Yes, I am a compulsive eater when I binge. Yes, I restrict. Yes, I starve. Fine lines, people. That is all I have been tiptoeing on for the past year of my life. Fine lines, and they are starting to blur.

Eats today:A serving of Fiber One with a diced up nectarine and a serving of yogurt. With a side of coffee of course.

The weight of all my anxiety is sitting on my chest, clawing and tearing away at my flesh and I know sooner rather than later it is going to cave and I am not going to be able to fight it. Something has got to give, right? I mean, nothing can stay this terrible forever, right? I keep trying to convince myself it seems. I keep trying to make things better for myself, but where am I getting? Who is caring? Anxiety is a monster. I am always nervous. I am always hungry. I will always be waiting for something better.

August 2

I didn't want to post much at all today because to be completely honest, the past three days have not been good days at all. Mentally and physically speaking. I'm pretty sure I have gained at least 5 pounds and I just don't know what I'm doing to myself anymore. I know what I am aiming for, but sometimes my mind just makes me do these things that don't make sense, and I hate it because it makes me hate myself.

Let's say eating has not been the greatest. I try to fill my pantry and refrigerator with things that I know if I eat will not harm my body too much but lately my mother arrived home and it's all been downhill from there. She buys cookies and processed shit and ice cream and now when I open the panty I see colors of chip bags and juice boxes and chocolate filled devil food cakes. I don't know I don't know I don't know.
Effect of this? I have been bingeing for 3 days straight. The worst part is that I'm not even going out to get the food I'm eating because the food is right there in my fucking pantry waiting for me to consume it. I don't know how to fill my days anymore. I use to be so well at making excuses and not eating whatever processed crap is laying around, but now that I have moved and I don't know anyone and have no places to be; I spend most of my time fighting with the person inside my head who wants me to eat and eat until I am obese and unable to see my ankles. I don't want that but she does.

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better.
I will have better eats up for you guys to see tomorrow so that I can keep myself under check.
Tomorrow will be better.

August 1

Yesterday and today have been complete hell. I don't know how to stop anymore. My insides are telling me one thing when my hands do another. Soon I can see this going somewhere terrible; soon I will no longer be able to resist. Until then, here I am. Eating to live, but not living to eat.

Eats for today:

Cool Mint Chocolate Clif bar.

I can't stand breathing today.