August 15

I'm fed up. I want to die.

That is the most blunt I've ever been with myself and....it's

the truth. I'm fed up. F-E-D U-P. I know I deserve better than what I'm getting out of life but, fuck, bad things just happen to good people.

On a side note, I want to thank you guys who are always commenting on my especially bad days. You guys make me feel a great deal better knowing that there are other people who are feeling exactly the same way I am. Thank you, again.

Especially for dealing with all my bitching and moaning. I know I do a lot of that.

Today has been an okay day. I had one of these babies:

A Luna bar, Nutz Over Chocolate. I rounded it up to 200 calories and the rest of the day I really only had water and a couple cups of coffee.

Intake wise, I know I need to be eating more. The sheer amount of how much I have not been eating is taking its toll and I can tell. My body gets sleepy, my legs start to ache more than anything and I can change from feeling my usual "okay," to wanting to jump off of the Golden Gate Bridge the next second. The only thing is I can't bring myself to eat more because I know it will result in a binge and I DO NOT WANT THAT. We'll see what I end up doing tomorrow. By the way, the whole getting back to the gym thing worked out pretty damn well. I'm loving my new gym because it has a solitary room where I can just run on the treadmill alone or do the stair climber or stretch or run around like a mad person. Yeah, totally worth it.

Tomorrow is going to be a hell of a day in itself. As a repercussion caused by my family procrastinating with this whole moving to a different state ordeal, I have reaped the most terrible fucking benefits. I have to arrive at my university tomorrow and take a placement exam a week before my classes start and then I have to do orientation late and then I get to pick my classes. THIS, is what is causing most of my anxiety; but regardless I'll have to prevail through tomorrow.

I'm getting really sleepy, and I have to wake up early for the exam. I'll update later.