Sunday, November 28, 2010

November 28

Starting a five day fast tomorrow with some ladies I've met on my tumblr.
Guidelines to follow:
No food
Lots and lots of water

On a more personal note.
As the days have been passing, I have been feeling more and more as if I am disappearing and dissolving into my surroundings. My body, physically and mentally, is deteriorating but it still is not enough. Five days. Five. F i v e .

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

November 17

Cold. Hungry. Sleepy. Can't sleep. Shivering. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee.

I am a disgrace.
I am a pig.
I will never be loved because I. Don't. Deserve. Love.

Goal: 20 pounds by Christmas.
200 when I start feeling faint, other wise fasting every. single. day.
Who's with me?

I'm thinking of it as a science experiment. See how long my body can go before out, I suppose. I don't want to ever see another fucking plate of food again.

Monday, November 1, 2010

November 1

I apologize for being absent from this for some time, I just have so much shit going on inside my head right now.

My mother is taking this whole me wanting to transfer thing, TERRIBLY. She is convinced that I am doing it for a boy even though I truly believe it's because she doesn't think I can do this on my own. Even though I have been living alone already for a full semester and nothing has gone wrong. NOTHING. I am learning as I go. I am paying my bills. I am paying my own gas. I have a fucking 3.75 GPA and am taking on 16 hours of class credit. I have not fallen on my face. I am doing just fucking fine on my own. Why can't she see this?

She told me we'd talk about it this weekend when she comes back down. So I vowed not to eat anything until this weekend. Maybe if she can see the physical pain and anxiety she is putting me through, she will realize how terrible a mistake she is making if she doesn't let me go. Seriously, I thought that the biggest hurdle I would have to jump was actually getting ACCEPTED to the University. Only 150 students are admitted for transfer every year and I was lucky enough to be one...and she can't fucking wrap her narrow brain around that thought.

My stomach is clawing at me as I'm writing this. Begging for food.
Fuck off.

Beside all of this mess, I don't know what else to say. I have no motivation right now because my mind is all on this "weekend chat" I have to sit through. Which will most likely result in my mother storming off, upset that I don't want to stay here. I couldn't sleep at all last night and this morning my head hurt like you wouldn't believe. I know my school work will suffer this week if I let this get to me, but it's hard not to think about something this big that can affect so much of my life.

All this anxiety is going to kill me. Or else malnourishment.
I can't yet die though, because no one wants to autopsy an ugly, fat corpse.