Friday, July 30, 2010

July 30

I bought a new scale and I'm afraid it's broken or something. No way I gained 3 pounds in a few hours when I haven't eaten anything since 3 o'clock yesterday afternoon. Why am I not eating? I have no idea. It was unplanned. Last night there was an unplanned rage inside of me that grew and grew until I felt like I could no longer contain it. Every day that passes there is this little part inside of me that just heats up, growing hotter and hotter, until the inevitable that I know is going to happen, occurs. There is nothing I am going to be able to do to control it. This is uncontrollable. The rage. The only thing I can control is what I am controlling right now.

I don't know how to put into words what I am feeling. Sadness? Despair? Rage? Anger? Betrayal? Happiness, I know it is not; and sadly, that is all I am certain of. With nothing to live for other than the pictures I look at every day and the memories that shape themselves into my dreams at night, I am slowly deteriorating. Physically, mentally. My bones are dying. At least, that is how it feels. The pain within me is growing from the inside out and I cannot find where it begins and so I cannot stop it. It is eating me and to be truthful I'd rather it eat me than me eat anything at all; but I know I soon must budge. My dying bones will need protein to live and so I must sacrifice my body in order to live for I have not reached the point where I am allowed to let go.

I am filling empty space. Sitting in this new room with new walls and the chance to start anew, all I can think about is how quickly life left me when I had it all. You cannot expect the worst, as I have come to realize. You can only expect what you assume is the worst; but the worst will always outdo what you preconceived. Learn from me please. Listen and learn.

I am filling empty space. A void is growing between me and what I lost. A void that is sucking everything in and away. One day I may be lucky enough to get sucked in with everything. Maybe someday the void will see how bad I am yearning and comply and take me into those muscular, strong arms and let me lay the side of my face on the floor of my past and let me cry.

I must not bow now. I will not.
I will give everything until I have nothing.
It has started.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

July 29

Today has been one of those days where turning over a new leaf just feels right. I looked back at a lot of old journal and yearbooks and e-mails etc etc, and I took note of how happy I use to be. How I use to appreciate things for how they were and work hard at getting to the point I wanted to get to. I use to be so motivated and full of life. I was always expecting the best even when I was stuck smack dab in the middle of the fucking worst case scenario you could think of. That's just who I use to be; but now life has just been shit to me and caused me to become a shell.

I want to get it back, who I use to be. Motivated and expecting the best but prepared for the worst. Mentally I know I need to turn over a leaf and start doing the things I want to do. I know I want to be happy. I'm just not sure I deserve it yet. This little person who sits on my shoulder is in dire need of someone to mentally hurt and physically harm. I need a change.

Anyway, eats for the day:

HiLo, puffed kamut, cinnamon bun Jello.

I need a new scale. One that actually works. Do any of you have suggestions? I'm willing to drop a significant amount of cash if it is a really really good scale.

July 28

I didn't have it in me to post anything yesterday. So here is what I was working on before I stopped typing and fall asleep:

I was fatigued all around and couldn't get the image of looking like an utter wreck to everyone in the world out of my head so I just stayed in bed and read all day. My book is getting really good. The Thirteenth Tale. It's an awesome story about two women who find their way through discovering each other's truths. It's keeping me occupied so maybe you guys should check it out too.

Now over to my eats for that day:

A bowl with some butterscotch pudding and a little cup filled with some Kashi GoLean.

Then I stirred it all together. It was honestly like a party in a bowl.

So, I had that and nothing else. I'm down 2.5 pounds and I need some coffee in me.
Stay strong, some people are here to bring us down but I know we can all be strong.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

July 27

I do not deserve to be living but I am far from being accepting of death. What would I be if I died in this terrible and obese state I am in? Who would want to bury this body I have made for myself? Who would want to even look at me?

I am suffering. It is all my fault. To be perfect is to be thin. My mind has mutilated itself day in and day out to be the way it is today, believing that happiness is thinness. BELIEVING, no longer thinking. My mind has mutated my thoughts into a huge web. I am no longer able to escape these claws. These terrible, long nailed, bony claws.

I am worthless today. Tomorrow will be the same. Until I can lay my head down at night and feel the pain that is mal-nourishment, I will be unhappy. I will be worthless. I will be pathetic. Living because I have no right to die, I will have to keep on going tomorrow until there is nothing left. Until I am empty. Satisfied. Eyes closed. Rushing pulse. Eat? To eat is to die.

Monday, July 26, 2010

July 26

I don't know what to write about. Today has been unfulfilling in so many ways. I just wish I could have a life again. Something to do. People to see. Homework to be done. College is starting up soon and I can't wait to crawl away into my books and let time pass me by. Knowledge is the only thing I feed on these days. Knowledge is the only thing I can trust to enter my body without ruining it. If only you guys knew the thoughts that go through my mind each and every second of the day. Some days, like today, I catch myself sitting alone and staring blankly and thinking to myself:
I exist, that is all.
And I find that thought completely nauseating.

Eats for today:

A banana cut in half with cream cheese spread in the middle and chucked in the freezer for a couple of hours until frozen.

I need to get control.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

July 25

Bad day.
Bad fucking day.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

July 24

8 hours without any solids.

8 p.m. I had this:

Cheesecake yogurt with some grapenuts.

I tried SO SO SO hard to eat this slowly. It took me 30 minutes to finish this small bowl, but then dinner time cooking just took hold of me and I ate a burger and then had two oreos before I made myself stop. I fucked up again. Nighttime eating is just my weakness. fuck.

I don't want to think about this anymore. 5 laxatives later.
I need sleep.
Tomorrow is tomorrow.

-.8 lbs

Friday, July 23, 2010

July 23

Breakfast eats:

A big bowl filled with a minuscule amount of fat-free yogurt, bordered with five raspberries and with a few Grapenuts strewn on the side. Oh, and my wonderful cup of green tea. It was a mighty fine way to start my day if I do say so myself.

I don't want to talk about what I did to my body afterwards. All you have to know is I went to the movies and opted for a hotdog and then some chocolate and popcorn and....FUCK. I don't understand why I can't control myself lately. I use to be able to go for days and days without solids but...I just need to gain control back. CONTROL. My life is spinning and I can't take hold of anything lately. School. Food. My house is a mess.

Tomorrow I will start out with a good breakfast eat and then no more food until....well, dinner probably. I need to learn to control when I eat before I can start controlling WHAT I eat.

I guess tonight I'm just going to wallow a bit in pity and disgust and wait until sleep comes so I can start over tomorrow. I need motivation to kick me in the ass before I explode to 900 pounds. I'll update tomorrow, stay strong. Some motivational thoughts sent my way would be nice. Night.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

July 22

Today has just been a boring unfulfilling day in my opinion.
I woke up, brushed my teeth, washed my face and then unpacked box after box but everything seemed to get...well, nowhere. Everything is still cluttered and I just want to sleep.
The past few days I've been getting these horrible horrible headaches, migraines? I don't know. I just wish they would go away. Most likely they are stress related though. I wouldn't put it past myself. I stress out about everything and anything, even if it's not my problem.

Anyway, onto my eats for today. Well, tonight actually:

In that bowl is a handful of blueberries and two blackberries that I nuked for about 45 seconds until they were nice and warm and gooey, then over that I threw some plain fat-free yogurt and lastly I tossed on some Kashi GoLean on top of the whole thing. Can you say YUMMY? Because that's what my tummy was thinking.

Besides that I've had a bunch of water and some diet soda. I've been craving peanut butter so tomorrow will probably have my eats on that topic. Todays intake couldn't have been over 500 calories anyway so it's all good. What are my plans for tomorrow? Wake up around 9 a.m. make some breakfast, unpack more boxes, wait for the mail to arrive and that's pretty much it. I'm so sleepy right now and I'm sorry this post isn't more interesting. Tomorrow I will have more eats though and maybe a few funny stories. Stay strong.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

July 21

Obviously I'm going about everything in a terrible way that isn't helping me. Hrmph. Change scares me I guess, but I know I am going to have to deal with change and make things happen because goods things will not happen unless you help them along.

My mindset is changing.
I'm reversing and going back into old ways.

What I ate today: Fat free yogurt mixed with grapenuts (yummy) and with blueberries, raspberries and blackberries.

I'm pretty confident that this will be my last meal of the day and tomorrow morning I'll make something else with the rest of my raspberries. Restricting is getting easier. I'm not trying anymore, I just do it. Involuntary, that's the way I like it.

I'm thinking I'll go and read for the rest of tonight. I haven't finished a good book in a long long time. Be back tomorrow, stay strong.


So, I went 10 hours without any grub and just now, JUST NOW for NO reason in my mind, I devoured 5 boneless hot-wings, a handful of french fries, 6 spoonfuls of baked beans and 6 baby pickles.

"Why in the world did you do that?!!!!"
Fuck if I know, I wasn't even hungry.
"You just had to keep eating and eating and eating."
Well yeah, that's me. I'm a pig. Omnomnomnom.
"Tomorrow is water and fruit day."
I know, I know....

Monday, July 19, 2010

July 19

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Every time I look at food I end up shoving it into my mouth and I just can't make myself stop. It's only the morning and I already ate two pieces of toast and I feel horrid.
I need to get back on track. I need to do my research and find out what is bothering me and how to control it so I can get back to my old ways.
I have to own my compulsiveness or it will turn me into a 700 pound fat person who doesn't care about anything. I'd much rather be 85 pounds and not care about anything.
I'm going to be studying so much to keep my mind off of things today.
I'm going to try to just get through today without eating anything sweet and sugar filled.
Diet Soda.
Those things are okay.
I can burn those.

I'll update later, or something.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

July 17

I am not committed.
I need to commit.
No food.
No calories.
No anything.
Why do I always mess up on day three?
I need to be stronger.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

July 4

Total failure.
Tomorrow: NO INTAKE
It will happen because it has before.
No Calories
No Fat