Friday, July 30, 2010

July 30

I bought a new scale and I'm afraid it's broken or something. No way I gained 3 pounds in a few hours when I haven't eaten anything since 3 o'clock yesterday afternoon. Why am I not eating? I have no idea. It was unplanned. Last night there was an unplanned rage inside of me that grew and grew until I felt like I could no longer contain it. Every day that passes there is this little part inside of me that just heats up, growing hotter and hotter, until the inevitable that I know is going to happen, occurs. There is nothing I am going to be able to do to control it. This is uncontrollable. The rage. The only thing I can control is what I am controlling right now.

I don't know how to put into words what I am feeling. Sadness? Despair? Rage? Anger? Betrayal? Happiness, I know it is not; and sadly, that is all I am certain of. With nothing to live for other than the pictures I look at every day and the memories that shape themselves into my dreams at night, I am slowly deteriorating. Physically, mentally. My bones are dying. At least, that is how it feels. The pain within me is growing from the inside out and I cannot find where it begins and so I cannot stop it. It is eating me and to be truthful I'd rather it eat me than me eat anything at all; but I know I soon must budge. My dying bones will need protein to live and so I must sacrifice my body in order to live for I have not reached the point where I am allowed to let go.

I am filling empty space. Sitting in this new room with new walls and the chance to start anew, all I can think about is how quickly life left me when I had it all. You cannot expect the worst, as I have come to realize. You can only expect what you assume is the worst; but the worst will always outdo what you preconceived. Learn from me please. Listen and learn.

I am filling empty space. A void is growing between me and what I lost. A void that is sucking everything in and away. One day I may be lucky enough to get sucked in with everything. Maybe someday the void will see how bad I am yearning and comply and take me into those muscular, strong arms and let me lay the side of my face on the floor of my past and let me cry.

I must not bow now. I will not.
I will give everything until I have nothing.
It has started.

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