Sunday, February 28, 2010

February 28

Fasting tomorrow to start off, then from March 2nd to March 8 I will see if I can handle this little change of pace. I have to...or else my heart might stop from all this food clogging the area around it.
I'm sick of looking disgusting.
I must not eat.
I must not eat.
I must not eat.
I will be thin.
I will be perfect.
I must not eat.
No calories.
No calories.
No calories.

Day 1: 450
Day 2: 230
Day 3: 300
Day 4: 150
Day 5: 95
Day 6: 395
Day 7: fast

Friday, February 26, 2010

February 26

And I think I've given up on myself.
I feel like I am a failure.
I wish I lived alone so I could starve alone and never ever buy food.
I wish I was tiny.
I wish my wishes would work.
I wish too much.
I need to take action, but I don't know where to start...
Work from 1-5:30 tomorrow.
Then working on my paper for a while.
I just want to be.
be thin.
be tiny.
be pretty.
be me.


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

February 24

Still haven't weighed myself.
I ate a burger today and two helpings of fries.
That's about all I can handle anymore.
I don't know why I'm letting myself sink.
I have to pull back up before I can't breath.
I need to stop eating over 800 calories a day.
I need to stop eating.
Don't eat.
Don't eat.
Don't eat.
Don't eat.
Don't eat.
Don't eat.
There's this anorexic girl in my english class...she's so tiny and I can always see her collar bones and I can always hear her knees knock together.
She is perfect.
I have perfection underneath all this 200 pounds of fat.
I have control.
I must find control.
I'm drowing ana.
Tomorrow is day 1 all over...

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

February 23

I haven't updated and I don't want to know my weight.
About Three nights ago I ate a salad when I went out with my mom and I came home that night to find the scale saying I gained back 4 pounds. 4 FUCKING POUNDS.
And that pissed me off so much.
I worked my ASS off and the scale tells me I gain 4 fucking pounds back in ONE day for eating a fucking salad?
I don't know what to say...I gave up and I've just been...acting like whatever the past few days.
Tomorrow is tomorrow is tomorrow and I guess I can start over.
I have to start over because it's no longer a choice, it's something I have to do even if it makes me cry, even if I hate it, even if it makes me want to die some days. I have no control over it.
It controls me...and tomorrow I need to start controlling it.

I don't know when I'll update my weight again.
Maybe after a few good days I'll get the guts to step on the scale.
I wont cry...

Saturday, February 20, 2010

February 20

So, my mom just brought home some oatmeal from Starbucks new
revamped breakfast menu and I would have
felt really bad for not eating it so I did.

total = 390 calories.

Not bad but I just wanted to make sure I put it on here so I don't eat anything else today.
I go to work at 3:30 - 7:30 so I should be home by 8 when I can shower and sleep and hopefully get better. I hate being sick.

I'll edit after work.
I'll be strong because I know I can be 209.8 by tomorrow night when I weigh in.


210.4 right off the scale just now.
I just got back from the movies and I ate a hotdog and popcorn and some chocolate so...I'm hoping I wont wake up and be 15000 pounds :/
Plan for tomorrow?
No eating until I get home from work around 4:00 p.m.
Maybe I'll even wait longer I don't know. I just hope hope hope I can pull off being 209 by tomorrow. I know I can do this if I set my mind to it besides my minor setback of movie theatre food tonight.

Anyways, I have to get to sleep now and dream of my ideal life before I have to wake up and face the realistic shit-hole I live...well not everything about it is shitty, just most things..anyways, I'll update tomorrow and I just hope to the gods that everything falls okay tomorrow.

I need to get better by Tuesday!!
Good luck girls and stay strong!

Friday, February 19, 2010

February 19

211.8 today.

I am going to give it all I have,
and then I'm going to give it all I don't have.

I am so close to 209 that I can almost (not) taste it.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

February 18

212.8 today.
And...I ate.
Not a lot, but enough to be full and I just feel like I should be weighing a whole lot more right now.
The reason I ate was because at around 12:00 I weighed 211.4 and I just knew that if I didn't eat something that my weight would just escalate if I ended up binging in the coming days. It scares the shit out of me whenever I lose 3 pounds in a day because I know it'll be so easy to gain it back so I just eat whenever I lose like that. Does that make sense?

Anyways, I didn't go to school today because I'm "contagious" and I have an ear infection and a sore throat. But I HAVE to go to school tomorrow because I can't miss my english class or my physics class.

I don't know what else to say tonight.
I'm tired and my bones still hurt and I'm a little bit hungry but I wont eat anything I'll just go fill up on some water and maybe drink some orange juice to help me get better.

Let me know how you ladies are doing.
P.S. I hope to get to 209 soon. I'll be so happy.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

February 17

214.6 today.
I haven't eaten anything and I'm getting very very sick.
I can't speak, which is a good thing.
And, I haven't finished my English paper which was due today but I decided to take an extension on.
Things aren't going well lately and I just need to take a step back and re-examine a lot of things in my life right now. M has a girlfriend apparently and when I found out I was heartbroken. I don't even know why I was...I literally cried when I found out but then I thought, "why would he even like me? I am a FAT COW and his new girlfriend is probably skinny and pretty and perfect."
I just, I hate the universe right now because it's throwing hate towards me.
So, fuck the world.

Besides that, I don't know what to say.
My bones hurt.
My tummy is empty.
My head is light.
My heart is shattered.
And my nose is stuffy but...
we just have to push on forward.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Monday, February 15, 2010

February 15

216.0 tonight.
I don't want to talk about it.
All you have to know is that I hadn't eaten anything but cereal up until 5:30
200 calories that's all.
Then, my mom brought home pizza for dinner.
Ice cream cake for dessert.
Made popcorn for a movie.
I proceeded with pizza rolls.
Then some rocky road ice cream.
Then I shot myself in the stomach when I realized I have no laxatives.

I hate myself so much right now.
I always have to wait for tomorrow.
I work 5-9:30 tomorrow so, I'm planning on staying after school until 4:00 coming home and then changing and then going to work.
Calories for tomorrow: 200
That is my allowance and I don't know when I'll use it...maybe before work I guess.

Anyways, I am going to continue hating myself tonight.
Update tomorrow.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

February 14

215.0 pounds today.
Yeah yeah yeah, so I did great restricting all day until the dinner with my parents tonight like I said I would have. I don't know.
I ate a lot of salad at Olive Garden, but then I started eating the bread-sticks and I just couldn't stop eating them until I had scarfed down 5 of them. Yeah I feel like shit but, whatever. I knew it would happen because my control isn't up to what it should be but tomorrow is tomorrow and like the japanese proverb says:
"Fall down seven times, stand up eight."
I won't let today bring me down.
Yes I am up 2.8 pounds or so, but I can get everything fixed and ready to go tomorrow.

I am not going to give up anymore. I'm tired of giving in to my failures I am going to keep pressing on because that's all anyone can do. Hope is what gets you there and right now I have a lot of that in myself.

Anyways, as usual Valentines day sucked.
I did homework most of the day at the library up until the dreaded 2.8 pound gain dinner I had with the parents and now it's snowing and it wont let up.
I'm off of school tomorrow so I kind of wish the snow would have waited until school is actually in session because I'm just lazy and could use another extra day for my english paper that I will probably never do this semester anyways.

Things will be better tomorrow.
Tonight I will sleep and tomorrow I will wake up and starve.
I must starve.
I must not go over 800 calories.
I must not eat.

Think thin.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

February 13

212.4 lbs tonight.
I have no idea how that happened, I guess in the beginning the weight just comes off, right?
holy canoli.
I had 200 food calories today and a couple of coffee's and one diet coke.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know I don't know.
But the results are here and now I wont want to stop.
Plan for tomorrow, library for homework than dinner with the family.
I wont eat up until the dinner when I'll have a salad.

I don't really know what to say.
I want to bask in the moment but I wont because I'm still nowhere near 200 which is my first goal.
I'll update tomorrow I guess.
Keep me posted ladies and let me know how you're doing :)

Friday, February 12, 2010

February 12

217.2 lbs tonight.

We'll see how tomorrow goes.
I work 4-8 so I don't plan on eating anything during work, but I will eat breakfast and that will be it.
I need to get better.
I'm feeling better, knowing that the restricting is working.
I bought a reeses today and I didn't eat it so THERE fat self.
By Monday I want to be at 215 so we'll see.

And thank you for the comment and the tips.
They have been helping. I love the waiting an hour one because it really makes me stop and think if I really am hungry or if I just want to eat.

Keep me updated girls :)

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

February 10

217.8 today.
Tomorrow I will weigh again and I will update every fucking day so that I will be embarrassed and everyone will see when I fail.

I am down .2 pounds. I can and WILL do better.
Tomorrow is an 800 calorie day.
I'll make it work.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

February 9

So, today was terrible.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I just think it would be so much easier if I lived on my own and could only buy the things I needed and leave it at that.
I ate so much.
I weigh 218 pounds.
My weight has steadily crept up on me and I will not let myself ever reach 258 pounds ever EVER again. Tomorrow is day one like it always is.
800 calories or less.
I miss my water bottle I don't know where it went.
I need control back.
I need to stop taking so many laxatives that don't work.
I need to stop myself from eating even when I'm NOT HUNGRY.
Please, give me some tips if you have them girls...I'm slowly dying and I know I can do this if I want it enough, but I just don't know how to restart and get myself out of this binge/purge hole.

Monday, February 8, 2010

February 8

I haven't update in about 4 days, sorry.
I haven't been binging, just eating normal I guess...which has been killing me.
Again tomorrow starts the restriction.
800 calories or less every day.
I just feel so dumb restricting because I feel that if I eat something at all...I'll just bloat up like a balloon, I guess I'll have to get over that though.
I stocked up on my soyjoys so I should be okay for the duration of the week.
800 calories or less, I can do it.
Breakfast can be some milk.
Lunch nothing.
Dinner my soyjoy.

We'll see what happens tomorrow, I'll update later girls.
Keep me updated with your lives :)

Thursday, February 4, 2010

February 4

Intake today: 0

I feel no need to eat. I've come so close so many times yesterday and today. Like I'll open the fridge, open up some left-overs container and move the food around, maybe smell it a few times, but then I just end up putting it back and going to drink a huge amount of water. As I write this, I am shaky and sleepy but I have a lot of homework still ahead for the night.
I've only been allowing myself coffee, I think I can make it a whole week now actually following through with my plan of under 800 calories a day, even though it's been two days and I haven't eaten anything. I know I have to eat, I just...don't want to. Everything would be so much better if I were thinner...everyone knows it too, don't deny it. Better life, more happiness, more clothes, love. I'll get there someday, I just hope that when I get there I'll have the control to stop before this disease takes over me. I know it's bad, I know it is, but right now it just seems like the only way. The only hope, and sometimes people just have to have hope and sometimes hope should be rewarded. I want to be rewarded. I want to be strong and have control. I want to have happiness and love. I want to only eat 800 calories a day. I want to sleep.

I think this is the most profound post I've written.
This is some of the workings of my inner thoughts and I'm glad it's out now because I feel a lot better.

Plan for tomorrow?
Eat nothing...maybe a SoyJoy bar or something but other than that I don't want anything.
I hear after the third day it gets easier, but I'm scared of screwing something up and fainting or something. I'll update tomorrow. I need to go get homework done.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

February 3

I have eaten anything today.
Why why why why why.
I just, want to sleep for days and day and not do homework and just watch movies.
I need a movie month where I can do nothing but watch movies.

I can breath better knowing that I haven't eaten anything.
I feel like I can make it another day.
My head hurts though.
But I deserve it.
Coffee coffee coffee.

I'll update tomorrow.