Wednesday, March 31, 2010

March 31

When you realize you hate yourself more than anything in the world...
that's when things start to come together.
I haven't eaten in hours and hours and hours.
and I don't know when I will.

I want to be air.
I eat air.
calorie free air.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

March 24

I ate normal today.
I don't know.
Tomorrow I probably wont eat.
I don't want to eat.
I want to lose, but every time I get on the scale I get disappointed again and just decide to eat.
Things would be so much easier if I were invisible and everyone else were invisible and people could just talk without looking at one another and only know each other by words and words alone...

Tomorrow tomorrow tomorow.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

March 23

I haven't been eating.
I have been gaining.
I want to curl into a ball and give up.

Monday, March 22, 2010

May 22

I haven't eaten anything in over 16 hours.
I'm not hungry but I know I have to eat something.
There's a bagel downstairs with my name on it and that will be it for today besides massive amounts of water.
I have work from 4-8 and then I'm coming home to take a shower, do some homework and then sleeeep, I'll probably update tonight if I'm not too tired.

AND, I started a new folder in my pictures on my computer specifically for FOOD PORN.
No joke, hahaha. It actually makes me not eat because all the food looks so good that I get full from just staring at it. I love looking at food, but I hate eating it, which is weird.

Anyways, I'll update tonight or something.
Intake today: bagel, coffee, water.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

May 21

I ate breakfast at 10:00 a.m. with my mom this morning and I haven't eaten anything since 11:00 a.m. so all is going well so far.
Breakfast consisted of a blueberry muffin, coffee, water, and an omlette full of broccoli, spinach, red peppers, and mushrooms. I'm going to work at 2:30 and I wont be off until 6:30, and then afterward I'm going to have coffee with a friend so, my day will be full of movement and no food and coffee and water water water.
I'm not going to weigh myself for a while but I really do hope I start to show some kind of progress within the next week.

Anyways, I'll update again once I make it home tonight if I'm not dead tired.
Think thin, stay in control.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

May 20

May 20, 4:00 is when my new calorie 7 day thing started AGAIN. I have to gain control of this.
I haven't eaten anything since 4:00p.m. so it's been 7.5 hours.
I feel okay.
Not GREAT, but okay because I know this is a start.
I could have just came home and binged on EVERYTHING because we have so much shit right now...but I didn't.
Tomorrow morning my mom wants to go eat breakfast and I'll only get an omlette with veggies and water water water. Then nothing all day. I probably wont be able to calculate the calories in my breakfast so that's why I wont eat the rest of the day.
Allowances: Coffee, lettuce, grapes, waatteerrr

Side note:
School starts back Monday.
I need to get control of things.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

March 14

It is 12:06/

If I wait another two hours I will have fasted for my first successful WHOLE day in a month.
If I wait those two hours.

After this though...I don't know what to do.
Do I eat?
Do I go do something so that I wont eat?
I want coffee, that's all.
I have no desire to look at myself or eat.
I feel stronger today than yesterday.
Just two more hours....I'll update later.

Friday, March 12, 2010

March 12

I have no will inside of me right now.
I have gained a pant size.
I want to kill myself.
How can you start over when you feel like you don't deserve to live?

Please, if someone can help me.
How do I start over?
I have 7 days.
How can I just...stop eating everything.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

March 4

I am losing the battle.