Thursday, September 30, 2010

September 30

So, yesterday didn't go as planned. I was feeling a bit weak all day so I just decided to stop at 24 hours again and eat my small meal. It was a tiny bit bigger than usual but that's only because I am going to start off with a two day fast. It will end tomorrow at 8:30 p.m. I can't just push myself into a three day fast, I have to be careful to steadily put myself through those days.

One major problem I have been having though, is whenever I eat my small meal after my 24 hour fasts, I always feel like such a huge failure/pig/fuck-up. I mean, inside my head something is telling me "Just eat! You know that not eating is screwing with your body, so just eat something," But at the same time, my heart seems to be saying "Just go for a few more hours until bed, then you can wake up tomorrow and go to classes. It'll be so easy to forget about eating because you always have to make sure everything is perfect, your homework, your hair, your make you won't even have time for food."

Most of the time I listen to my heart. My head just isn't loud enough.

What am I going to do today? Well, after I finish this post I am going to head on over to Starbucks to grab me my morning cup of joe and then I am going to head over to the post office to mail a package off to my best friend because it is almost her birthday. I'm excited about that, I love mailing things off, and I love people being surprised when they get things in the mail.

After all that is done, I'll just come back home and start in on all the midterm studying again, and all the homework. I'm hoping things will stick easily in my head.

Anyway, I hope you girls are doing okay. Any of you starting any new diets or have any parties, birthdays or anything coming up? What are you guys planning to be for halloween??

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

September 28

I'm starting to feel different, look different, see different.

The past 2 weeks I have been fasting for a whole 24 hours, then eating a small meal, then fasting for another 24 hours etc etc. I think I am going to see if I can go for a three day fast. I haven't eaten anything since 7:30 p.m. so that means 7:30 p.m. Friday evening is my goal. It shouldn't be that difficult with all the shit I have to do.

In the grander scheme of things, I have midterms coming up next Wednesday October 6th. Fantastic. I am having a minimum of two anxiety attacks a day, where I feel I could have a heart attack, because these grades have to be A's or else I will not get to transfer into the college I have already applied to. Basically, the acceptance committee is waiting on my midterm grades to decide. Fucking hell. Wish me luck, hopefully all this starving will help.

How are you ladies doing? Any new loves? Lost loves? New interests?

Sunday, September 26, 2010

September 26

I've lost 15 pounds, too fast.
And no one has said a word.

I think, the days are getting shorter.
That, or I am taking on too much work. I always immerse myself into more than I can handle. And I always make sure I do everything perfectly, which is why my homework takes me so much time and why I forget to eat and why I only drink coffee and water.

They say it takes 21 days to make a habit, right?

Tomorrow is Monday. I hate Mondays, and I wish I could just sleep through a whole day without being worried about waking up to do homework or wash clothes or clean the house. There are not enough hours in the day.

I have a big glass of water sitting next to me right now and I plan to fill it once more before bed. My train of thought right now is all over the place because, my mind is just out of control right now.
My finger tips are cold.

Friday, September 24, 2010

September 24

Tonight is the night.

Somethings happening to me, and I know it isn't good. Lately I've just been not eating, but that's not what is worrying me. What is worrying me is the fact that I usually have to fight with myself to make myself stay out of the kitchen and away from food; but lately, the past two weeks, I just haven't even thought about eating. Maybe it's the stress, the anxiety, the fear.
Whatever it is, it's working.

It's now or never. It's now.
I've been waiting too long and trying far too hard for my dreams to just turn into complete and utter mush after tonight. I've invested too much of myself into this for everything to just fall apart. Something has to give or else I will, because I can't take much more disappointment.

I am so scared.
For the first time in my life, I am actually genuinely frightened and it doesn't feel so great. I'm hoping for the best with all of my heart.

I'm going to give it all I have, and then I am going to give it all I don't have.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

September 21

It's almost the end of September and I am scared.
I don't even think that sentence sums up how I am feeling. I want to cry, I want to hide, I want to jump for joy, I want to scream, I want to die.

I am applying for transfer to a new university Friday evening.
I am going to do it.
I am going to make it.
....because this, this right here, this is all I have.

I am so scared of rejection.

I fasted for another complete 24 hours. Ate a small dinner at 8:00, will be fasting until tomorrow 9:00 for another 24 hours. Scale is telling me I am lighter and lighter.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

September 19

Things are looking up. I've been fasting for 24 hours for the past couple of days and then stopping after 24 hours to eat a small meal that mostly consists of fruits or vegetables. I've been drinking loads of coffee. I have been studying a lot. I have been losing weight. Down six pounds, hoping tomorrow I will have lost two more.

The days seem to be getting longer and sometimes I feel as if I am not being as productive as I could be. I know I am not being as productive as I could be, but I have motivation now. A reason to strive to be the best I can be. A reason for happiness, and it happened so fast I don't even know how it emerged from this shit of a life I have been crawling through, but that is how life tends to come at you, am I correct? I'm calling this hope.

Sleep is calling. My eye lids feel like two thousand pound weights and my dreams are pulling me in because they want to show me everything I have been missing. I am missing so much. But I am so close to finding what is lost. I am so close to what I have been dreaming of.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

September 15

Sometimes death is so close.

Friday, September 10, 2010

September 10

Lost sight of my goals today, but I am going to sleep in tomorrow and then fast all day and do lots of homework and then sleep some more. I need to rejuvenate my body because everyone keeps telling me, "you look so tired." etc etc. Stop worrying about me, I fucking know that I am tired because I'm the one staying up all night to do homework, you know?

Anyway, yeah. Today was a bad day, I had macaroni and fries, whatever. Tomorrow.

I looked at myself in the mirror today and I realized how broken and sick I look.
I'm tired of bullshit.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

September 9

I just want to die.
Have you ever starved yourself to the point where you physically feel as if you are going to die? It's scary as fuck, but most of the time, I don't care.

I knew this would happen. It always does. It always will, until I am bones. Hollow, hollow bones that can't be crushed by petty bullshit like love.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

September 8

This is terribly late but here I am.
Today has been a horrible day full of anxiety but I'm afraid that is something that will never leave me. As for my success, it has come and tomorrow it will come again.

I just finished a lot of my homework and I have tons and tons more to do tomorrow so I am hoping that I will be able to finish it all. I really don't like reading because I have to. I'd rather read because I genuinely want to, but they don't care about what you care about.

Anyway, it's late. My patience is waning and my mind is starting to bring up old memories because of the dark. I'll update tomorrow, let me know how you girls are doing.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

September 7

Some days it's harder than others. Harder to remember why I'm doing this. Harder to keep my motivation up. Harder to say no. Some days I forget how this fucked up little world I live in created itself. But then I remember that it doesn't matter how all of this began; the only thing that matters is how this will end.

With my head filled with the possibility of having a happy future I know what I have to do. What I must do and I can't bring myself to let this go. This is going to wind up killing me. Be it my disease or of my own hand, but I know the day will come and I also know that it is not anytime soon. As the quote goes, "the wounded are stronger because they know that they can survive." And so I know that I can survive. I know that I can do this. Starvation.

I am starting a three day fast tomorrow. Anyone else in? I am allowing coffee, water, diet soda. If anyone is interested, let me know.

As for tonight, I've finished my homework, taken my shower, made my bed and washed my clothes. My books are in my backpack, my money is in my wallet, my hair is a mess and now....this is where I start. Right here, right now. And I cannot fail myself because then I am failing my future.

Sleep is calling and my rumbling tummy will not subside. I'll update tomorrow of my success. I will.

Monday, September 6, 2010

September 6

I don't really have a whole lot to say today. It's been going pretty slow over here in my little nook of the world. The days seem to be getting longer as I yearn for time to pass quickly so I can be on my way into my new life; but as we all find out, heartbreakingly, time goes the slowest when we so desperately need it to flee.

As far as eating goes I've been restricting again. I wish I could just eat sometimes and deal with the fact that my body, this body I have, craves and needs nutrients in order to keep on. But I can't. And I probably never will. I don't want it to eat until it decides to let me be beautiful. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, as they say.

I think I'm going to leave this post as it is, I don't want to bombard you lovely readers with my nonsense and self loathing tonight because I do feel really terrible tonight. One of those, "I want to die" nights.

I do have a question though, do any of you have any weird eating habits? Like me for instance, I watch television when I eat because I always stop eating during commercials to make sure that I have self control and that I could stop eating if I wanted. Do any of you guys only eat certain foods or stay away from certain foods or have a weird obsessive compulsive thing as I do?

Stay strong.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

September 5

Why can't I stop eating?
It's 9:20 a.m. and I've just woken up from my past 3 day binge. WHY why why whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy. I feel about to cry and scream and now I just want to jump out of the nearest window or crawl into a hole and sleep like a bear in hibernation. But I can't. I have to write this stupid paper and do all this stupid homework and I have a four day weekend and I was planning on starving through it but it's been one day past and I don't know. Maybe I'll just start today, but I don't trust myself. I need this though. I WANT this. I need to stop eating.
Food is the source of all my problems and self hatred boughts and. I KNOW THIS.
Yet, I can't stop.

I don't know.

It's 9:30 now. It took me ten minutes to write THAT piece of garbage up there.
I'm sorry you guys. Today I am staying under 500.
Today I am going to wait for those stomach pains because that's when I know I am doing something right.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

September 1

Going vegan sounds like a really really really intriguing idea. Anyone know where I can find all of the starting information for this? I'm really interested and I feel like it'd be good for my health.

Anyway, happy September 1st and may the month bring you sweaters, coffee and love. At least that's what I am hoping for. The good things about today was that Starbucks is now making the Pumpkin Spice Latte again! Which is my favorite drink on this planet beside straight up espresso. Mmmm. It's like christmas in a cup and I love it. I had my first cup during my morning break at my college while I sat and did some homework reviewing and junk.

As far as eats go I am planning a day full of new breakfast eats tomorrow and all week long so I'll have some neat new things to show you guys. Sorry for being so lame lately but all this college work and the mix of no sleep/waking up late/not eating is getting tedious. I do miss blogging about my eats though.

What about you girls? How's it going? Hittin' up the gym or new boyfriend or new foodies lately? New tips? New Movies? New socks? haha, give me something! Stay strong.