Thursday, February 4, 2010

February 4

Intake today: 0

I feel no need to eat. I've come so close so many times yesterday and today. Like I'll open the fridge, open up some left-overs container and move the food around, maybe smell it a few times, but then I just end up putting it back and going to drink a huge amount of water. As I write this, I am shaky and sleepy but I have a lot of homework still ahead for the night.
I've only been allowing myself coffee, I think I can make it a whole week now actually following through with my plan of under 800 calories a day, even though it's been two days and I haven't eaten anything. I know I have to eat, I just...don't want to. Everything would be so much better if I were thinner...everyone knows it too, don't deny it. Better life, more happiness, more clothes, love. I'll get there someday, I just hope that when I get there I'll have the control to stop before this disease takes over me. I know it's bad, I know it is, but right now it just seems like the only way. The only hope, and sometimes people just have to have hope and sometimes hope should be rewarded. I want to be rewarded. I want to be strong and have control. I want to have happiness and love. I want to only eat 800 calories a day. I want to sleep.

I think this is the most profound post I've written.
This is some of the workings of my inner thoughts and I'm glad it's out now because I feel a lot better.

Plan for tomorrow?
Eat nothing...maybe a SoyJoy bar or something but other than that I don't want anything.
I hear after the third day it gets easier, but I'm scared of screwing something up and fainting or something. I'll update tomorrow. I need to go get homework done.

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