March 14

It is 12:06/

If I wait another two hours I will have fasted for my first successful WHOLE day in a month.
If I wait those two hours.

After this though...I don't know what to do.
Do I eat?
Do I go do something so that I wont eat?
I want coffee, that's all.
I have no desire to look at myself or eat.
I feel stronger today than yesterday.
Just two more hours....I'll update later.

March 12

I have no will inside of me right now.
I have gained a pant size.
I want to kill myself.
How can you start over when you feel like you don't deserve to live?

Please, if someone can help me.
How do I start over?
I have 7 days.
How can I just...stop eating everything.

March 4

I am losing the battle.

February 28

Fasting tomorrow to start off, then from March 2nd to March 8 I will see if I can handle this little change of pace. I have to...or else my heart might stop from all this food clogging the area around it.
I'm sick of looking disgusting.
I must not eat.
I must not eat.
I must not eat.
I will be thin.
I will be perfect.
I must not eat.
No calories.
No calories.
No calories.

Day 1: 450
Day 2: 230
Day 3: 300
Day 4: 150
Day 5: 95
Day 6: 395
Day 7: fast

February 26

And I think I've given up on myself.
I feel like I am a failure.
I wish I lived alone so I could starve alone and never ever buy food.
I wish I was tiny.
I wish my wishes would work.
I wish too much.
I need to take action, but I don't know where to start...
Work from 1-5:30 tomorrow.
Then working on my paper for a while.
I just want to be.
be thin.
be tiny.
be pretty.
be me.

fuck.

February 24

Still haven't weighed myself.
I ate a burger today and two helpings of fries.
That's about all I can handle anymore.
I don't know why I'm letting myself sink.
I have to pull back up before I can't breath.
I need to stop eating over 800 calories a day.
I need to stop eating.
Don't eat.
Don't eat.
Don't eat.
Don't eat.
Don't eat.
Don't eat.
There's this anorexic girl in my english class...she's so tiny and I can always see her collar bones and I can always hear her knees knock together.
She is perfect.
I have perfection underneath all this 200 pounds of fat.
I have control.
I must find control.
I'm drowing ana.
Tomorrow is day 1 all over...

February 23

I haven't updated and I don't want to know my weight.
About Three nights ago I ate a salad when I went out with my mom and I came home that night to find the scale saying I gained back 4 pounds. 4 FUCKING POUNDS.
And that pissed me off so much.
I worked my ASS off and the scale tells me I gain 4 fucking pounds back in ONE day for eating a fucking salad?
IT TOOK ME 4 DAYS TO LOSE THOSE 4 POUNDS WITH EATING UNDER 500 CALORIES A DAY.
I don't know what to say...I gave up and I've just been...acting like whatever the past few days.
Tomorrow is tomorrow is tomorrow and I guess I can start over.
I have to start over because it's no longer a choice, it's something I have to do even if it makes me cry, even if I hate it, even if it makes me want to die some days. I have no control over it.
It controls me...and tomorrow I need to start controlling it.

I don't know when I'll update my weight again.
Maybe after a few good days I'll get the guts to step on the scale.
I wont cry...