Wednesday, October 6, 2010

October 6

Setting: In the library, sitting in a small desk in the corner. It's cold, I have on a peach colored cardigan, sleeves pulled down tight. Pencil behind my right ear. I am shivering while I type.

I just finished my history midterm. I believe I answered all but a few questions right and I strongly feel I will at least make a 95, which is A-OK in my books because I will still have an A at the end of semester.

I had my coffee this morning. The blackest of black, and it smelled so good.

I guess I should talk about what's really on my mind. No letter yet. Everyday I come home I get this terrible churning feeling in my stomach. My eyes dart around like crazy. I can't decide whether I want to go check the mail or not. I have a mini anxiety attack thinking about rejection, about what I would do if I saw that one word typed so perfectly on a little piece of paper that I could just rip into shreds...but more often then not I grab the keys and go walk to the mail box and open that little mail slot to find nothing but bills and magazines I didn't subscribe to and junk. I then close that stupid little slot, lock it, bite back tears and walk back home thinking to myself "Fuck. They're probably trying to tell me in the sweetest way possible that I got rejected." What do I do when I get home? I go take a nap so I wont have to think. So I wont have to eat. So I wont cry.

It's terrible that it has only been a week and this is fucking me up so bad. I ask myself sometimes, "Why do you care so much?" My answer? I don't know. I think it's mostly because deep down I can feel that there is something so much bigger waiting for me out there. Something is waiting for me. I have something waiting for me, and I'm stuck here. Do you know what it is to feel stuck in a place? Stuck somewhere that you cannot get out of no matter how hard you run or how loud you scream or how little you eat? This letter, this 8in X 11in piece of paper is my ticket. It's my ticket out depression, out of guilt, out of worry, out of anxiety. I have so much riding on this. So much.

On a side note, I do realize that there are bigger problems people deal with every day. I do realize that. Sometimes I try to remind myself that this is a small problem in the midst of many bigger ones, but goddamn it is always so hard. Are any of you going through any troubles as of late?

I don't know what else to talk about. I kind of just want this day at University to be over so I can go home and check the mail and nap and not eat again which will make my fasting days go up to three. I have four more classes though, and I can feel that it is going to be a long, long, very long day.

If anything exciting happens, (AKA letter in the mail), I will edit this ASAP. Keep me in your thoughts. Starve away.

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