December 20

He keeps me egging me on, "come on Adeline, put that carrot down. Don't you dare put that in your mouth."

I am losing.

This past week has been one of the most tortuous of my entire life.

Depressed, bed ridden, tear streaked face, empty stomach, weak body, cold fingertips, numb mind, suicidal thoughts. Why does life have to be so hard? Life isn't suppose to be this complicated. Life is suppose to be full of challenges and obstacles you have to get around or over; but, life is not suppose to be this fucking tiring, tedious, toilsome. Eight months ago life wasn't this exhausting. Eight months ago I was happy. Believe it or not, I was happy. I think I had to retype that sentence to convince myself rather than you. I remember a time when I didn't want to sleep because everything was going so well. I remember enjoying daily things: checking the mail, brushing my teeth, watching a TV show, listening to a song on repeat, walking my dog. Daily things that every person should enjoy. Eight months ago, I was happy; but now, it is getting so much more difficult to recall that happiness.

"I was happy," I thought to myself this morning, as I sat in front of my mirror, contemplating life and what the fuck I am even doing on this Earth. I do that a lot. Some daily ritual. Sit in front of my shitty mirror, feeling shitty, crying shitty tears, feeling this shitty depression creeping into my bones. It is in my bones.

Adeline, you were happy once.

I was happy once.

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago in a far, far away past, I, Adeline, was happy.

December 19

Some mornings, right after I wake up, still sleepy, groggy and disillusioned, I convince myself that, "Maybe if you just pretend as if everything is okay, maybe if you just smile and laugh and make jokes and forget about all the shit you've had dumped on you, maybe if you just act as if you are happy, as if everything in your life is going as perfect as it could go, everything will be just fine."

Then, I get up out of bed, wipe my thinning, black hair out of my face and lift it up into a bun at the base of my neck, take a few steps toward my full, body-length mirror-hands down by my side, eyes searching my own for some sort of answer, trying to stop myself from looking down at my body, attempting to form a smile, trying my damn hardest to grab just one happy memory out from the inside of my mind. Then, tears begin to form, hot and stinging. Once again the cold, harsh truth hits like a punch to the stomach. "It doesn't work that way Adeline. It just doesn't fucking work like that."

Some days are easier than others, but most days, most for me, are not at all.

I can feel this creature growing inside of my chest. He is filling himself with anger. With my anger, is how he grows. Anger, betrayal, hatred. All of these things that I feel inside are feeding him, not food, and whatever he needs is what I eat. I cannot eat anger, betrayal or hatred. Those things can only be felt, and each time I feel those, I sense this creature growing. At first he was small, only a tiny seed. Now, quite rapidly, he is progressing. He wants out and sooner or later, he is going to get what he wants because the day will come when I will be too weak to hold him in. For now, I can clench my teeth, ball my hands into fists, cry. For now these things work. But even as I am typing, I can feel his blood beginning to fuse with mine, our thoughts becoming one and the same. Each day I feel as if it is becoming increasingly more difficult to distinguish his wants from my own.

He wont give up, and eventually, I will.

December 18

Just when things seem to be going well. Just when you start to put one foot in front of the other. Just when you begin to crawl out of bed earlier each day. Just when you catch yourself smiling for no reason at all. Just when your pillow is tear free. Just when you rediscover that laugh you forgot you had. Just when you feel you can inhale without having to hold your breath for months on end because you're frightened you wont be able to catch another breath. Just when happiness is around the corner. Just when you can almost feel your heart beat again.

That. That moment. That day when all of these things happen. That, is when everything goes completely, utterly, irreparably and fucking terribly wrong.

Five. Count them with me: one, two, three, four, five. Five months. Five months of working my ass off. Five months of tears. Five months full of sadness. Five months full of self hatred that somehow multiplied itself to grow and mutate to three-thousand times what it was before. Five months of hoping. Five months of saying, "Just 4 more months," to, "Just 3 more months," to, "Just 2 more months," to, "Just 1 more month." Five months of utter hell. Five months that have now transformed into an ugly fucking ten months. Ten. Count them with me: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Ten.

What am I suppose to do now? Someone, please tell me. What, am I suppose to do? In five more months everything can change. I don't want anything to change. What is someone suppose to do when they have everything planned out and the plan doesn't fall through? What are you suppose to do when your whole foundation crumbles and you are left on the cold, hard, wet floor with tears in your eyes, unable to fucking stand because the pain in your heart is so massive. What are you suppose to do when you don't know what the fuck to do?

How do you live, function, breath?

How do you not lose your faith in all of mankind?

How do you get back up and wipe those fucking tears off of your face so that you can curse the person who fucked you up, screwed you over and broke their worthless, meaningless, shit promise?

Starve.

Five more months of starving.

Maybe I'll just die before then.

December 5

"What are you doing to yourself?"

I've asked myself this question too many times in the past week.

I'm starving and I can't bring myself to eat.

I will not be fat.

Fat is failure.

Food is failure.

My bones are aching to burst out from under this fat.

My bones are aching for nourishment.

I am bruising so easily.

I am starting another fast tomorrow.

3 days this time because the 5 days really, really wore me down. By day five I'm pretty sure I wasn't sleeping at all, or thinking straight without the help of loads of coffee, which I didn't mind at all. 3 days should be good. Anyone want to join in?

I hate posting "stats," but I'll definitely post how much I lose each day just to make sure I keep you guys up with my progress. Let me know how things are going for you all, especially now during the holidays. Are you freaking out as much as I am?

November 28

Starting a five day fast tomorrow with some ladies I've met on my tumblr.

Guidelines to follow:

No food

Coffee

Tea

Lots and lots of water

On a more personal note.

As the days have been passing, I have been feeling more and more as if I am disappearing and dissolving into my surroundings. My body, physically and mentally, is deteriorating but it still is not enough. Five days. Five. F i v e .

November 17

Cold. Hungry. Sleepy. Can't sleep. Shivering. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee.

I am a disgrace.

I am a pig.

I will never be loved because I. Don't. Deserve. Love.

Goal: 20 pounds by Christmas.

200 when I start feeling faint, other wise fasting every. single. day.

Who's with me?

I'm thinking of it as a science experiment. See how long my body can go before it.....gives out, I suppose. I don't want to ever see another fucking plate of food again.

November 1

I apologize for being absent from this for some time, I just have so much shit going on inside my head right now.

My mother is taking this whole me wanting to transfer thing, TERRIBLY. She is convinced that I am doing it for a boy even though I truly believe it's because she doesn't think I can do this on my own. Even though I have been living alone already for a full semester and nothing has gone wrong. NOTHING. I am learning as I go. I am paying my bills. I am paying my own gas. I have a fucking 3.75 GPA and am taking on 16 hours of class credit. I have not fallen on my face. I am doing just fucking fine on my own. Why can't she see this?

She told me we'd talk about it this weekend when she comes back down. So I vowed not to eat anything until this weekend. Maybe if she can see the physical pain and anxiety she is putting me through, she will realize how terrible a mistake she is making if she doesn't let me go. Seriously, I thought that the biggest hurdle I would have to jump was actually getting ACCEPTED to the University. Only 150 students are admitted for transfer every year and I was lucky enough to be one...and she can't fucking wrap her narrow brain around that thought.

My stomach is clawing at me as I'm writing this. Begging for food.

Fuck off.

Beside all of this mess, I don't know what else to say. I have no motivation right now because my mind is all on this "weekend chat" I have to sit through. Which will most likely result in my mother storming off, upset that I don't want to stay here. I couldn't sleep at all last night and this morning my head hurt like you wouldn't believe. I know my school work will suffer this week if I let this get to me, but it's hard not to think about something this big that can affect so much of my life.

All this anxiety is going to kill me. Or else malnourishment.

I can't yet die though, because no one wants to autopsy an ugly, fat corpse.

October 27

I finally know what it feels like to actually want to die.

I want to die.

This is killing me, slowly but surely.

October 26

"Close your eyes. Imagine that you're standing in a bakery. Not just any bakery--the best bakery in Paris, its windows fogged, crowded with people who jostle for space in front of its long glass cases. The room is fragrant and you can't take your eyes off the rows of cinnamon rolls and croissants, iced petits fours, flaky napoleons and elephant ears. Every counter holds at least one basket of crusty baguettes, still warm from the oven.

And you're hungry. In fact, you're starving. Hunger is a tornado whirling in your chest, a bottomless vortex at your core. Hunger is a tiger sharpening its claws on your tender insides. You stand in front of the glass cases, trying to swallow, but your throat is dry and your stomach clenches and contracts.

You want more than anything to lick the side of an eclair, swirl the custard and chocolate against your tongue. You dream about biting off the end of a cruller, feeling the give of the spongy dough, the brief molecular friction of the glaze against your teeth, flooding your mouth with sweetness. The woman beside you reaches into a white paper bag, pulls out a hunk of sourdough roll. You see the little puff of steam that flares from its soft center, breathe in its warm yeasty smell. She pops it into her mouth and chews and you chew along with her. You can almost taste the bread she's eating. Almost.

But you can't, not really, because how long has it been since you've tasted bread? A month? A year? And though your stomach grinds against your backbone and your cheeks are hollow, though the tiger flays your belly, you can't eat. You want to, you have to, but your fear is greater than your hunger. Because when you do--when you choke down a spoonful of plain yogurt, five pretzel sticks, a grape--that's when the voice in your head starts up, a whisper, a cajoling sigh: You don't need to eat, you're strong, so strong. That's right. Good girl.

Soon the whisper is a hiss filling the center of your head: You don't deserve to eat. You're weak, unworthy. You are disgusting. You don't deserve to live. You, you, you. The voice is a drumbeat, a howl, a knife stuck in your gut, twisting. It knows what you're thinking. It knows everything you do. The more you try to block it out, the louder it becomes, until it's screaming in your ear: You're fat. You're a pig. You make everyone sick. No one loves you and no one ever will. You don't deserve to be loved. You've sinned and now you must be punished.

So you don't eat, though the food is all you think about. Though all day long, wherever you are--doing homework, sitting with friends, trying to sleep--part of you is standing in the bakery, mesmerized with hunger and with fear, the voice growling and rumbling. You have to stand there, your insides in shreds, empty of everything but your own longing. There will be no bread for you, no warm buttery pastries. There's only the pitiless voice inside your head, high-pitched, insistent, insidious. There's only you, more alone than you've ever been. You, growing smaller and frailer. You, with nowhere else to go.

The voice is part of you now, your friend and your tormentor. You can't fight it and you don't want to. You're not so strong, after all. You can't take it and you can't get away. You don't deserve to live. You want to die.

This is what it feels like to have anorexia."

October 25

and I just got word that I have been accepted for Spring of 2011.

Three months from now.

3.

October 20

Still no letter. This is getting ridiculous. Everyone is already signing up for classes for next term and I'm still sitting here, waiting, for this little letter that determines so much.

I'm down five pounds or so. I never eat anymore. The hunger pains use to be so much that I had to lay down on my stomach to keep from crying, but now the pains from actual life are taking over the stomach pains.

Question: What is the longest you have ever fully fasted?

I'm thinking of doing a fast and I want to hear some feedback first.

Besides me waiting though, University has been going okay. It's really just a bunch of reading and studying and making sure you're always on time. Those are things I am good at. I like knowing where I have to be, what I have to be doing and when I need it to be done by. It keeps me on track.

Anyway, I hope you ladies are doing alright. Let me know how October is treating you.

October 17

Still no letter...oy vey! I just want to be able to pick my classes for next semester already and I want to have the satisfaction of getting all my stuff together for moving in and I want to know how my roommate would be but most of all I just want to know if I got accepted or not. I worked so fucking hard, so hard. Every single day, the only thought going through my head was how to NOT screw things up so this university would have no option but to accept me. I just hope that it worked. What bugs me is that it's Sunday and the letter could be sitting in some post office or in the back of a mail car waiting to be delivered. I wish I was a mail man right now.

I haven't eaten in two days or something. I've been too focused on work and trying to get everything done like the perfect student I am trying to be. Not eating so I can be the perfect woman. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.

October 14

Binged today.

Binged today.

Binged today.

Binged today.

Binged today.

I have three papers due in the span of two weeks. How the fuck am I not suppose to have multiple anxiety attacks during the process of writing them? I feel like the world is trying to engulf me in its crevices but it can't because I'm too fat for even that.

I don't know.

October 12

I just had the most horrid internal food battle with myself...and in the end, food won.

I had not eaten for 15 hours, about to reach my 16th when a friend stopped by with a burger and fries. I literally excused myself to the bathroom and cried for almost 5 minutes trying to tell myself that I didn't have to eat it. One fucking, terrible panic attack later I washed my face and walked out of the bathroom and....I don't know how to explain it. It was as if I wasn't me. It wasn't me eating that burger and fries, but I was watching someone who looked like me eat it. And I couldn't stop her.

fast restarted at 2:30 p.m.

I just, want to lock myself in a room with no food forever.

I just want to drink water.

I just want to be happy.

I just want to sleep.

October 10

This weekend has been bad food wise. I'm not going to lie.

The good things that have been going on?

Boy and me are talking even more than usual, about apartments and school and places we plan on going etc etc, and I have gotten a lot of homework done this weekend along with some extra credit. Which is always a good thing.

I don't know what else to talk about right now, my head is kind of up in the clouds and I really should just sleep.

Tomorrow I am going to fax out my midterm grades and I guess Tuesday the waiting will start.

Fasting tomorrow.

Goodnight.

October 8

You guys are going to laugh laugh laugh when you read this. Well, it turns out that my midterm grades haven't gotten into the University I want to transfer to so they called me today so see if maybe I could send them again because they probably got lost in the mail. Fucking, what the fuck. I've been so worried and unable to focus all week waiting for this goddamn letter and it turns out that the waiting hasn't even really started yet.

Regardless, I do feel a tons times better now because my current GPA is 3.75 and I made the Dean's List so I feel like I will get accepted. I mean, there is still that chance that I wont but I feel like now I have something to show them that I mean business and that if I go to their school I will surely be the best I can be.

What's next? Well, I'll have to go Monday to classes and get all my professors to sign off on my midterm grades sheet once again, and then I will mail it off as soon as I get home. I want that thing out of here by Tuesday at the latest so they can start deciding.

On the food note, hmm, I haven't eaten anything today. Someone did tell me today that I am looking slimmer. I told them it was probably just because I am under a lot of stress. Tomorrow I am going to fast and hopefully get 3/4 of my homework done. I'm really glad that I took so many classes this semester because they've really been keeping me busy and my mind off of the food.

I hope the rest of you girls are doing alright. How are your fasting days/diets going?

October 7

Still no letter.

I've binged today. Really really horribly. I just can't seem to stop eating today. At this point I am trying to be calm about it. I'm trying to let my body intake what it wants because come tomorrow, she isn't getting one fucking thing for a whole week.

I am in such a terrible state of mind right now.

October 6

Setting: In the library, sitting in a small desk in the corner. It's cold, I have on a peach colored cardigan, sleeves pulled down tight. Pencil behind my right ear. I am shivering while I type.

I just finished my history midterm. I believe I answered all but a few questions right and I strongly feel I will at least make a 95, which is A-OK in my books because I will still have an A at the end of semester.

I had my coffee this morning. The blackest of black, and it smelled so good.

I guess I should talk about what's really on my mind. No letter yet. Everyday I come home I get this terrible churning feeling in my stomach. My eyes dart around like crazy. I can't decide whether I want to go check the mail or not. I have a mini anxiety attack thinking about rejection, about what I would do if I saw that one word typed so perfectly on a little piece of paper that I could just rip into shreds...but more often then not I grab the keys and go walk to the mail box and open that little mail slot to find nothing but bills and magazines I didn't subscribe to and junk. I then close that stupid little slot, lock it, bite back tears and walk back home thinking to myself "Fuck. They're probably trying to tell me in the sweetest way possible that I got rejected." What do I do when I get home? I go take a nap so I wont have to think. So I wont have to eat. So I wont cry.

It's terrible that it has only been a week and this is fucking me up so bad. I ask myself sometimes, "Why do you care so much?" My answer? I don't know. I think it's mostly because deep down I can feel that there is something so much bigger waiting for me out there. Something is waiting for me. I have something waiting for me, and I'm stuck here. Do you know what it is to feel stuck in a place? Stuck somewhere that you cannot get out of no matter how hard you run or how loud you scream or how little you eat? This letter, this 8in X 11in piece of paper is my ticket. It's my ticket out depression, out of guilt, out of worry, out of anxiety. I have so much riding on this. So much.

On a side note, I do realize that there are bigger problems people deal with every day. I do realize that. Sometimes I try to remind myself that this is a small problem in the midst of many bigger ones, but goddamn it is always so hard. Are any of you going through any troubles as of late?

I don't know what else to talk about. I kind of just want this day at University to be over so I can go home and check the mail and nap and not eat again which will make my fasting days go up to three. I have four more classes though, and I can feel that it is going to be a long, long, very long day.

If anything exciting happens, (AKA letter in the mail), I will edit this ASAP. Keep me in your thoughts. Starve away.

October 4

This past week has been going by terribly slow, but I know that it is just because I am waiting to receive the letter that is going to determine...well.....everything, and I've never been more scared in my life. This waiting has been hell.

To have to sit here all day and be left to wonder with thoughts inside my own head. To have to question my intelligence, my ability, my strength. To have to go through worst case scenarios over and over again in my mind until I am certain that everything has already gone horribly wrong, wrong, wrong. To have at least three anxiety attacks every day. To not eat. To starve. To want to cry so bad, but know you can't because no one will understand.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

I can't lose hope, but goddamn, it is so hard not to.

October 1

I feel like I could throw up. I fasted for 30 hours today, and I just had some boiled eggs for dinner (2). I'm working up to my two day fast because lately I just feel really weak and so I want to make sure that I don't faint when I am trying to complete my fast. If I tend to my body and shape it to be able to withstand two days without food, then I know I can go from there to three days and so on and so forth.

As far as everything else is going. I don't really know what to say. Acceptance committee is looking over my application. They called today to say they will be making their decision soon and that just makes me all the more uneasy. I just want to know already. For some reason I have this horrible sinking feeling in the back of my mind that I will not get in. I will be rejected. I will fall into depression. I wont eat for days on end. Of course if I do end up getting in, I still wont eat for days on end because I will be so happy. I'm sorry this has been a topic of the last kajillion of my posts, but this is the one thing that I have going for me right now that I hope turns out well. All I can do is hope anymore and I am so sick of it, I just want the waiting to be over. Regardless of outcome. I'm fucking tired of waiting.

This post is becoming more scattered as I keep writing, so I guess I'll stop. Tomorrow I am fasting for another 24 hours and maybe I'll go to sleep so I can just sleep through the next 8 hours of my fast to see if I can make it to 40 or something.

I hope you girls are doing okay, let me know how the diets are working for you guys. Stay strong.

September 30

So, yesterday didn't go as planned. I was feeling a bit weak all day so I just decided to stop at 24 hours again and eat my small meal. It was a tiny bit bigger than usual but that's only because I am going to start off with a two day fast. It will end tomorrow at 8:30 p.m. I can't just push myself into a three day fast, I have to be careful to steadily put myself through those days.

One major problem I have been having though, is whenever I eat my small meal after my 24 hour fasts, I always feel like such a huge failure/pig/fuck-up. I mean, inside my head something is telling me "Just eat! You know that not eating is screwing with your body, so just eat something," But at the same time, my heart seems to be saying "Just go for a few more hours until bed, then you can wake up tomorrow and go to classes. It'll be so easy to forget about eating because you always have to make sure everything is perfect, your homework, your hair, your make up....so you won't even have time for food."

Most of the time I listen to my heart. My head just isn't loud enough.

What am I going to do today? Well, after I finish this post I am going to head on over to Starbucks to grab me my morning cup of joe and then I am going to head over to the post office to mail a package off to my best friend because it is almost her birthday. I'm excited about that, I love mailing things off, and I love people being surprised when they get things in the mail.

After all that is done, I'll just come back home and start in on all the midterm studying again, and all the homework. I'm hoping things will stick easily in my head.

Anyway, I hope you girls are doing okay. Any of you starting any new diets or have any parties, birthdays or anything coming up? What are you guys planning to be for halloween??

September 28

I'm starting to feel different, look different, see different.

The past 2 weeks I have been fasting for a whole 24 hours, then eating a small meal, then fasting for another 24 hours etc etc. I think I am going to see if I can go for a three day fast. I haven't eaten anything since 7:30 p.m. so that means 7:30 p.m. Friday evening is my goal. It shouldn't be that difficult with all the shit I have to do.

In the grander scheme of things, I have midterms coming up next Wednesday October 6th. Fantastic. I am having a minimum of two anxiety attacks a day, where I feel I could have a heart attack, because these grades have to be A's or else I will not get to transfer into the college I have already applied to. Basically, the acceptance committee is waiting on my midterm grades to decide. Fucking hell. Wish me luck, hopefully all this starving will help.

How are you ladies doing? Any new loves? Lost loves? New interests?

September 26

I've lost 15 pounds, too fast.

And no one has said a word.

I think, the days are getting shorter.

That, or I am taking on too much work. I always immerse myself into more than I can handle. And I always make sure I do everything perfectly, which is why my homework takes me so much time and why I forget to eat and why I only drink coffee and water.

They say it takes 21 days to make a habit, right?

Tomorrow is Monday. I hate Mondays, and I wish I could just sleep through a whole day without being worried about waking up to do homework or wash clothes or clean the house. There are not enough hours in the day.

I have a big glass of water sitting next to me right now and I plan to fill it once more before bed. My train of thought right now is all over the place because, my mind is just out of control right now.

My finger tips are cold.

September 24

Tonight is the night.

Somethings happening to me, and I know it isn't good. Lately I've just been not eating, but that's not what is worrying me. What is worrying me is the fact that I usually have to fight with myself to make myself stay out of the kitchen and away from food; but lately, the past two weeks, I just haven't even thought about eating. Maybe it's the stress, the anxiety, the fear.

Whatever it is, it's working.

It's now or never. It's now.

I've been waiting too long and trying far too hard for my dreams to just turn into complete and utter mush after tonight. I've invested too much of myself into this for everything to just fall apart. Something has to give or else I will, because I can't take much more disappointment.

I am so scared.

For the first time in my life, I am actually genuinely frightened and it doesn't feel so great. I'm hoping for the best with all of my heart.

I'm going to give it all I have, and then I am going to give it all I don't have.

September 21

It's almost the end of September and I am scared.

I don't even think that sentence sums up how I am feeling. I want to cry, I want to hide, I want to jump for joy, I want to scream, I want to die.

I am applying for transfer to a new university Friday evening.

I am going to do it.

I am going to make it.

....because this, this right here, this is all I have.

I am so scared of rejection.

I fasted for another complete 24 hours. Ate a small dinner at 8:00, will be fasting until tomorrow 9:00 for another 24 hours. Scale is telling me I am lighter and lighter.

September 19

Things are looking up. I've been fasting for 24 hours for the past couple of days and then stopping after 24 hours to eat a small meal that mostly consists of fruits or vegetables. I've been drinking loads of coffee. I have been studying a lot. I have been losing weight. Down six pounds, hoping tomorrow I will have lost two more.

The days seem to be getting longer and sometimes I feel as if I am not being as productive as I could be. I know I am not being as productive as I could be, but I have motivation now. A reason to strive to be the best I can be. A reason for happiness, and it happened so fast I don't even know how it emerged from this shit of a life I have been crawling through, but that is how life tends to come at you, am I correct? I'm calling this hope.

Sleep is calling. My eye lids feel like two thousand pound weights and my dreams are pulling me in because they want to show me everything I have been missing. I am missing so much. But I am so close to finding what is lost. I am so close to what I have been dreaming of.

September 15

Sometimes death is so close.

Starvation.

September 10

Lost sight of my goals today, but I am going to sleep in tomorrow and then fast all day and do lots of homework and then sleep some more. I need to rejuvenate my body because everyone keeps telling me, "you look so tired." etc etc. Stop worrying about me, I fucking know that I am tired because I'm the one staying up all night to do homework, you know?

Anyway, yeah. Today was a bad day, I had macaroni and fries, whatever. Tomorrow.

I looked at myself in the mirror today and I realized how broken and sick I look.

I'm tired of bullshit.

fastfastfastfastfastfatfatfatfatfastfastfast

September 9

I just want to die.

Have you ever starved yourself to the point where you physically feel as if you are going to die? It's scary as fuck, but most of the time, I don't care.

I knew this would happen. It always does. It always will, until I am bones. Hollow, hollow bones that can't be crushed by petty bullshit like love.

September 8

This is terribly late but here I am.

Today has been a horrible day full of anxiety but I'm afraid that is something that will never leave me. As for my success, it has come and tomorrow it will come again.

I just finished a lot of my homework and I have tons and tons more to do tomorrow so I am hoping that I will be able to finish it all. I really don't like reading because I have to. I'd rather read because I genuinely want to, but they don't care about what you care about.

Anyway, it's late. My patience is waning and my mind is starting to bring up old memories because of the dark. I'll update tomorrow, let me know how you girls are doing.

September 7

Some days it's harder than others. Harder to remember why I'm doing this. Harder to keep my motivation up. Harder to say no. Some days I forget how this fucked up little world I live in created itself. But then I remember that it doesn't matter how all of this began; the only thing that matters is how this will end.

With my head filled with the possibility of having a happy future I know what I have to do. What I must do and I can't bring myself to let this go. This is going to wind up killing me. Be it my disease or of my own hand, but I know the day will come and I also know that it is not anytime soon. As the quote goes, "the wounded are stronger because they know that they can survive." And so I know that I can survive. I know that I can do this. Starvation.

I am starting a three day fast tomorrow. Anyone else in? I am allowing coffee, water, diet soda. If anyone is interested, let me know.

As for tonight, I've finished my homework, taken my shower, made my bed and washed my clothes. My books are in my backpack, my money is in my wallet, my hair is a mess and now....this is where I start. Right here, right now. And I cannot fail myself because then I am failing my future.

Sleep is calling and my rumbling tummy will not subside. I'll update tomorrow of my success. I will.

September 6

I don't really have a whole lot to say today. It's been going pretty slow over here in my little nook of the world. The days seem to be getting longer as I yearn for time to pass quickly so I can be on my way into my new life; but as we all find out, heartbreakingly, time goes the slowest when we so desperately need it to flee.

As far as eating goes I've been restricting again. I wish I could just eat sometimes and deal with the fact that my body, this body I have, craves and needs nutrients in order to keep on. But I can't. And I probably never will. I don't want it to eat until it decides to let me be beautiful. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, as they say.

I think I'm going to leave this post as it is, I don't want to bombard you lovely readers with my nonsense and self loathing tonight because I do feel really terrible tonight. One of those, "I want to die" nights.

I do have a question though, do any of you have any weird eating habits? Like me for instance, I watch television when I eat because I always stop eating during commercials to make sure that I have self control and that I could stop eating if I wanted. Do any of you guys only eat certain foods or stay away from certain foods or have a weird obsessive compulsive thing as I do?

Stay strong.

September 5

Why can't I stop eating?

It's 9:20 a.m. and I've just woken up from my past 3 day binge. WHY why why whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy. I feel about to cry and scream and now I just want to jump out of the nearest window or crawl into a hole and sleep like a bear in hibernation. But I can't. I have to write this stupid paper and do all this stupid homework and I have a four day weekend and I was planning on starving through it but it's been one day past and I don't know. Maybe I'll just start today, but I don't trust myself. I need this though. I WANT this. I need to stop eating.

Food is the source of all my problems and self hatred boughts and. I KNOW THIS.

Yet, I can't stop.

I don't know.

It's 9:30 now. It took me ten minutes to write THAT piece of garbage up there.

I'm sorry you guys. Today I am staying under 500.

Today I am going to wait for those stomach pains because that's when I know I am doing something right.

September 1

Going vegan sounds like a really really really intriguing idea. Anyone know where I can find all of the starting information for this? I'm really interested and I feel like it'd be good for my health.

Anyway, happy September 1st and may the month bring you sweaters, coffee and love. At least that's what I am hoping for. The good things about today was that Starbucks is now making the Pumpkin Spice Latte again! Which is my favorite drink on this planet beside straight up espresso. Mmmm. It's like christmas in a cup and I love it. I had my first cup during my morning break at my college while I sat and did some homework reviewing and junk.

As far as eats go I am planning a day full of new breakfast eats tomorrow and all week long so I'll have some neat new things to show you guys. Sorry for being so lame lately but all this college work and the mix of no sleep/waking up late/not eating is getting tedious. I do miss blogging about my eats though.

What about you girls? How's it going? Hittin' up the gym or new boyfriend or new foodies lately? New tips? New Movies? New socks? haha, give me something! Stay strong.

August 30

Eats for today:

Pistachio pudding mixed with kashi go lean crunch cereal and bloobs! I love love love bloobs.

Anyway, things are going by pretty slowly right now. Well, fast yet slow. If that makes any sense. I'm so scared that I am going to ruin my chances of transferring to the college of my dreams if I mess up homework or forget to study something important. I wish we could take a quiz or something so that I could know where I stand in all my school work; but I guess time will only tell.

Tonight I am planning on doing a small amount of homework so I wont feel overwelmed tomorrow and then watch a movie. I've been wanting to see "The one on the Right" for the longest time and now I am finally making time.

As far as intake goes, I kind of binged a bit today. My mother brought home some BBQ and I ate some along with two pieces of bread and lots of potato salad. I don't know. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll start again. I swear it's hard for me to eat a small amount of food because then it turns into a binge, uuuuugh.

So, saty strong girls! And let me know how you're doing. Any new eats for me to try out??

August 28

I have too much homework.

I never eat anymore.

I went out at 12 tonight and bought a shit ton of fruit so I can start eating some kind of solid.

I am losing about a pound a day.

I don't know what else to say. It's late late late and I just finished my history homework and I have SO MUCH MORE to do. I don't know why I thought sixteen hours this semester was a good idea, and taking two history based classes means a LOT of reading which means I am shit out of time all the fucking time. I like starving though. Makes me look thinner.

Anyway, I'll update tomorrow.

Stay strong girls. Let me know what's up.

August 26

So, I've finished a lot of my homework early as of right now and that's how I want things to go for the remainder of my semester here. The only reason I took 16 hours was to make sure that I kept myself busy so I wouldn't be worrying about anything. I think so far my plan has worked out some. I do eat a lot less now that school has started because I am stressing out a lot more even though I am not doing terrible at school by any means. I like feeling as if I have things to do though. It always keeps me on the edge of my seat.

Let's see, I know I haven't had any eats in a long long while but it's because I'm just not eating like I usually am. I'm sorry. I know some of you really looked forward to my food pictures because you got ideas from them and learned different combinations to try out. I'll get a few new things up eventually, maybe this weekend I'll muster up some courage to eat something. I need to watch my restricting. Do any of you have restricting as bad as this? Sometimes I can't control it.

So, I'm about done studying. I just came back to edit this post and then post it up before bed. I think I want to start writing about someone now. I'll call him J and let's just say he's the reason I do a lot of things. Not bad things, good things. He's my motivation, my rock, and essentially he has my heart.

Regrets for this being such a short post but I will certainly have longer ones in the future depicting eats and maybe a few of some of the places around my campus. Stick to your guns ladies and keep me updated on your lives. I love hearing how you all are doing. Nighty night.

August 25

First day in classes went surprisingly well. I didn't give up and I didn't hyperventilate. Did I have anxiety? Yes yes yes; but the thoughts of where I wanted to be in a few short months made me hold my head up and stick it out. Now I know that I can handle all the work. I feel so much better.

As far as restricting goes, I kind of made myself binge today. I was so upset that the scale didn't go down not even .1 of a pound that I gave up and decided to eat because I figured my metabolism needed a boost so, there's that. Back to square one tomorrow. No solids.

Tomorrow I have no classes so I'm going to sleep in a bit, wake up, study, do some laundry and make go look at some new bed spreads. Mine are all getting old. What about you girls? Any plans for tomorrow? How's everything going weight wise? I know we all have our good and bad days. Let me hear it.

August 24

Restricting is still going strong. I think it's mostly because classes start tomorrow and now I feel as if this is all make or break for me. I mean, the plans I have for my future are all dependent on me overcoming the obstacles that await for me tomorrow, and that scares me so much. All this anxiety. I don't know. I just hope that after tomorrow I will have a feel for things and then I wont feel so terribly ill at the thought of my future. I want to feel as if I am certain where I will be a few months from now. Only tomorrow will tell.

6 A.M. - Wake up

breakfast is going to be some protein bar eaten on the way to my first class. Then, nothing but coffee and water until I get home and my body decides if it wants to let me eat or not. We'll see. My weight is slowly creeping down. I am feeling lighter. I just hope I can keep it up.

As of right now I should probably get to sleep. I need to make sure I'm focused tomorrow or I know I will get a panic attack at some point. Anyway, I hope you girls are doing great and don't forget to update me on new foodies to try! Maybe you've had a bar recently that was jut FANTASTIC and you HAVE to tell me about it? Yeah, I'm a-waitin'! Keep it up, we can all reach our goals.

August 23

I've kind of been restricting full force lately. As of 5 p.m. yesterday evening I haven't had solid food except for coffee. When my restricting comes back full force like this, I know I am in for a ride. I realize this is all probably because of stress and anxiety, but at the same time I want to be able to control my intake to at least 500 calories a day, but sometimes my body just makes my mind block out food. Ack, I mean, whatever it's good because I do need to lose some major pounds, but I really need to look out for myself sometimes because restricting just comes naturally and when it comes back to me it is not good. I remember I went five days without food and lost about 15 pounds and that was the most scared I had ever been. I thought I was for sure going to blow right back up after I started eating again.

ANYWAY, to divert from that topic, I now have all my class books (with some on the way because they had to be ordered) and I have found where all my classes will be so I will not be too frightened about classes starting Wednesday. Am I excited? A little. Am I nervous? Yes. Do I have anxiety? Yes. Do I want to meet new people? Kind of, sort of, a little? My class days wont finish until 5:30 p.m. so I wont be home until well after 6:00 p.m. and I don't know. I just hope that everything works out and that I can get a good study system going so I can feel comfortable and no scared to death that I will fail. Ah well. Only time will tell I guess.

Anyway, how are things going with you girls? Anything new you would like to tell me about? Be it eats or boys or home or friends etc etc., I'm all ears.

August 22

Today was so terrible. I did go buy a new bag to carry all my school books in and my computer. I'm excited about starting classes but at the same time nervous as all hell. I mean, who wouldn't be I guess. I just get anxiety so much quicker than most people that I think I'm going to have a heart-attack if something goes wrong on Wednesday.

As far as intake goes today I did very very very good and I am super proud of myself. I didn't get a chance to take any pictures but I can tell you that all I had was some honey dew melon this afternoon with a bunch of grapes and strawberries and then lots of coffee throughout the day. That helped me through. I also went out and bought some low fat natural yogurt and some museli and I am going to eat it for breakfast tomorrow with some strawberries most likely. Thanks for the new food!

Hm, my plan for the rest of tonight is to watch some instant movies on netflix until I get tired and or scared and decide to fall asleep. I'm picking up my books tomorrow and doing the scoping out of the classrooms so all should be well come Wednesday.

Are any of you girls nervous about anything? Be it classes starting or new changes in your lives?

August 21

Well, I have my classes picked, orientation done and tuition paid. Now all I have left is picking up my books and scoping out the classes. The good thing? No classes on the weekends or Tuesday or Thursdays. So I have an ampule amount of study time which will do me good in the long run.

Besides all this shitty college stuff that's been going on there hasn't been much else. Today I ate more than usual, not a good thing. That's why I wont have any foodie pictures, but tomorrow for breakfast I am going to make something really really good, so you'll just have to wait and see.

I'm really just beat tonight and I don't know what to write about. Tomorrow is laundry day. I'm a boring person, ha. Tell me some interesting eats that you girls have made recently! I'd love to try new things.

August 19

I had a full on anxiety attack today. I just can't take all this guessing business anymore, it kills me. I don't like guessing and I don't like thinking about the what ifs etc etc., I just like the facts. Straight. Up. Facts.

Regardless, I'm not going to rant today. I'll just update you on my current college status and my eats and everything. As far as college goes, I finished the orientation and made an appointment for 1:30 p.m. tomorrow with my counselor to finalize my classes and print out my schedule, which is going to make me feel a whole lot better. I know a huge weight will be lifted off of my shoulders. After that the only things I will have left to do are go out and rent my books and scope out my classes before Wednesday, which isn't too bad.

Now for eats:

Grapes and strawberries with a packet of strawberry flavored breakfast essentials. Yum Yum Yum. I love breakfast too much.

That's all there really is to tell right now. I have a lot of shit going on, the same as anyone else and I know I'll get through it eventually, I just need to push myself a little bit harder. Things are just getting so tough though...sometimes I just want to give in. Tomorrow is another day and I know I'll wake up and think "fuck this shit," but at the same time I'll pull myself out of bed and get on with life because things wont happen unless I make them happen. I am going to make things happen. I am too strong for this. I deserve much better.

Stay strong girls. For me, and you.

August 18

I've been trying to finish up my online orientation so that I can make an appointment to pick my classes for this semester already, but for some fucking reason the university orientation site decided to go under matinence for the next 24 hours. Are you serious? Fuck. So now I have to wait even longer to get my classes picked.

As for eats, I have a few new ones to share:

Breakfast is my favorite meal, and sometimes my only meal, of the day. Here I had a simple bowl of low fat cherry yogurt with a serving of Fiber One. All mushed together. I love the way the Fiber One soaks up all the yogurt so well. It tastes so good and it's very filling.

I cannot even begin to explain how awesomely amazing and GOOOOD this was. I had a bowl of honeydew, which is my favorite fruit in the world, and then a side of Oatbran cooked with strawberries and a dollop of peanut butter in the middle of it all. Talk about YUM.

This was this mornings breakfast. Pistachio pudding, diced apples and a serving of Kashi Go-Lean Crunch. Talk about filling and fantastic.

This is what my bowl looked like after I mixed it all together. Overflooooww!! But it was so so so good and worth it. The Kashi Crunch cereal soaked up the pudding so well and the apples really complimented the pistachio so it was just like a party in my tummy.

Besides my eats I really haven't been doing much of anything else besides the gym and having constant anxiety attacks because of all this late stuff I have to do for college. I'm tired of always being the last one to get notice of important things. I don't even have my school books yet and classes start the 25th. (Here comes another anxiety arrival) FUCK.

I want to go see the new Julia Roberts movie tonight. It looks really good and she is so beautiful. Definitely an inspiration for me, and the movie is about finding yourself, which is something I need to work on.

Anyway, I'm going to go watch more Ghost Hunters. They're having a marathon today on SciFy, which I am in love with. What shows do you girls like watching? I also love Friends and The Big Bang Theory, you know, on the count of my nerdiness, ha.

August 15

I'm fed up. I want to die.

That is the most blunt I've ever been with myself and....it's

the truth. I'm fed up. F-E-D U-P. I know I deserve better than what I'm getting out of life but, fuck, bad things just happen to good people.

On a side note, I want to thank you guys who are always commenting on my especially bad days. You guys make me feel a great deal better knowing that there are other people who are feeling exactly the same way I am. Thank you, again.

Especially for dealing with all my bitching and moaning. I know I do a lot of that.

Today has been an okay day. I had one of these babies:

A Luna bar, Nutz Over Chocolate. I rounded it up to 200 calories and the rest of the day I really only had water and a couple cups of coffee.

Intake wise, I know I need to be eating more. The sheer amount of how much I have not been eating is taking its toll and I can tell. My body gets sleepy, my legs start to ache more than anything and I can change from feeling my usual "okay," to wanting to jump off of the Golden Gate Bridge the next second. The only thing is I can't bring myself to eat more because I know it will result in a binge and I DO NOT WANT THAT. We'll see what I end up doing tomorrow. By the way, the whole getting back to the gym thing worked out pretty damn well. I'm loving my new gym because it has a solitary room where I can just run on the treadmill alone or do the stair climber or stretch or run around like a mad person. Yeah, totally worth it.

Tomorrow is going to be a hell of a day in itself. As a repercussion caused by my family procrastinating with this whole moving to a different state ordeal, I have reaped the most terrible fucking benefits. I have to arrive at my university tomorrow and take a placement exam a week before my classes start and then I have to do orientation late and then I get to pick my classes. THIS, is what is causing most of my anxiety; but regardless I'll have to prevail through tomorrow.

I'm getting really sleepy, and I have to wake up early for the exam. I'll update later.

August 14

It happened today.

I stood in front of my mirror, mindlessly checking my hair and my face and my clothes before I walked out to go to the movies, and then it happened. I stopped moving and actually looked at myself and I thought, "Why the fuck don't I look as fragile as I feel?" I haven't eaten all day.

There comes a breaking point within me and I know exactly when it's about to happen. It happens when I try to maintain at least 800 calories a day. When I try to have a few snacks every four hours to make sure I get enough calories that day; but then slowly my mind doesn't let myself eat. I start thinking, "Oh I can miss this snack." And that is where it begins. When I start restricting, I essentially stop eating because I don't like to deal with all the calorie counting and so my mind just stops wanting food. I am in a very bad place, and it will only get worse from here. I don't know what to do, what to think, what to eat.

I need to look as fragile as I feel. Like, I'm going to fall to pieces. Sometimes I want to fall to pieces.

August 12

This morning I had two, count them, TWO, big, gigantic, enormous, colossal bowls of spaghetti topped high with cheese. What was I thinking? That I wanted to end my life and die from a heart attack caused by the shock of eating so much food. It didn't work.

I don't know what has gotten into me but today will be my first day back at the gym since I moved here. I'm planning on going every day even if it kills me. It's just sad that I had to resort to someone pushing me out of my fucking room to get me there. I know I will want to go back once I'm done with my first day. It's just the first step that's always the hardest, right? I've just been feeling like there is no way out of this cycle I am currently in but there is a tiny light right now. Something that will help me regain composure, control.

Sorry my eats haven't been up. It's just either that I haven't been eating, or I've been binging like crazy. I'll get through this.

August 11

Tomorrow is a new day.

Fuck.

Days binge free: 0

August 10

I've been going through so many up and downs the past couple of days that I have no idea how I am not already pulling out my hair and admitting that I am crazy because that's how I feel. Regardless though, I know I should be keeping up to date on my blog. I mean, without this I would be nothing but a bundle of self hatred with no way to vent and I have to be careful that I don't keep everything bottled inside or else I'll go back to restricting calories to absolute nothing. Anyway, here is basically what I've eaten the last couple of days:

A bowl of strawberries zapped in the microwave with a bagel thin filled with fat free cream cheese and some coffee.

I'd tell you guys that everything is fine and that I'm doing better, but I'm not. I'm never doing better. Fuck. I wish I could be happier so I could cue you guys in on things like my love life and my social life; but I really am just a fucked up, introverted, high matinence girl who is always anxious and analyzing everything inside her head. I'm sorry.

I did go to the store to stock up on more bars today. I acquired some Clif and Luna bars. I pretty much get all my calories from bars throughout the day. The only real food I eat is for breakfast and is mostly a carb with some type of fruit and a little protein powder. The rest of the day it's just me and my bars. Anyway, the rest of my night is going to be filled with Big Bang Theory re-runs and maybe some coffee. I'll update tomorrow, promise. Stay strong.

August 7

Sorry. I failed to muster up any strength to sit up and blog yesterday. I guess this just means I owe you double the eats. What do you girls like to eat? Let's start with yesterday.

Eats 8/6/10:

By far my favorite breakfast. Mixed berries (straw-blue-black) with a packet of Carnation Breakfast essentials. I love how the carnation powder gets all pudding-y with the berry juices.

Eats 8/7/10:

Bagel thin, smeared with low-fat cream cheese and piled high with cooked black berries. With a side of coffee, obviously.

Obviously, I didn't post yesterday because it was just a bad day; but in all honesty, I haven't had a good day in over a month. Things just seem to be getting worse by the day and nothing is looking up. I just, want to weigh 120 pounds already. I want to be at the University I planned on going to, not this shitty one I am forced to go to. I want to have my old life back. Where I was content having what little I had.

Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do people, who deserve great things to happen in their lives, only get the shit end. I don't understand the way the universe works. I work my ass off and I'm suppose to something to show for it, right? This place is fucked up.

Anyway, the days continue to get harder, longer, less memorable. I don't know. I wont be able to make it. One of these days I wont be able to make myself get out of bed. To breath. To open my eyes. Time is a scary concept for me and I wish I could control it. I wish I could make it go faster, slow down, pause. Time is continuously passing without mercy, without care, without judgment. Time does not wait. Time is a motherfucker. No matter how much I want to just lay in bed and not care and not breath and not live, I have to go on because somewhere inside of me I know that this is going to get better. I have this small part inside of me that goes on believing that something good is waiting for me. Something will happen and I will once again be content and happy. With each day, that little part is slowly dying...and that's the worst part because once that is gone, I will have nothing to live for. Until then I'll keep doing what I do. Keep going on. Again and again and again.

August 5

Breakfast eats: A bowl full of strawberries and blackberries, carnation milk packet and coffee. I like to mix the carnation packet into my berries and eat it like that because it turns kind of like pudding with the fruit juices.

Anyway, signing up for classes went all wrong today. Tomorrow is attempt number two. I will also attempt to stay below 800 calories tomorrow. I'll update my eats at the end of the day and let you know how that goes.

As for other things, I don't really know what to say. Things aren't going well but I met up with an old friend today and he told me something profoundly intriguing. He told me that perhaps I have been pulled back to this terrible town (from which I so desperately tried to get away) because I have unfinished business. He went on to explain that maybe this is the universe testing me and saying, "if she can handle this, then she can handle whatever happens next at University." Maybe I do have unfinished business. I just need to calm down.

Anxiety wise, I have been terrible. Everyday it is heightening and getting worse. Today I paced around the house for two hours just thinking and hating myself and trying to make stupid decisions that shouldn't even be that hard to make. I am a bundle of anxiety waiting to explode. I need to sleep.

August 4

Eat for today: Some mixed berries, a bowl of greek yogurt and a dark
chocolate Nature Valley granola bar.

Besides sharing my meal of the day I really don't feel like posting. Things haven't been going too well and my anxiety is getting worse with each passing day. I'm starting to see the sun less and less and my intake is becoming too low for me to feel energized. I sign up for my classes tomorrow, which I know is going to put my anxiety on a whole new level but this is something I have to do. Work has always taken my mind off of the pressure of counting calories and restricting so I'm hoping maybe this will help in some fucked up way.

I'm sorry I've been so down but the pressures of life are just too much as of late. Being away from everything I know isn't helping. I miss what used to be. Believe it or not I was happy at one point and looking back I realize that it wasn't even for a long period of time that I had happiness but a very short time. Exact time line? Two months. Two months of complete and utter happiness and now here I am, deteriorating away and falling short. All. The. Fucking. Time. When will I get a break?

August 3

Where is the line drawn between Anorexia and Compulsive eating? These binges are starting to blur my thought process and I really cannot tell the difference between my behaviours anymore. Yes, I have an eating disorder. Yes, I am a compulsive eater when I binge. Yes, I restrict. Yes, I starve. Fine lines, people. That is all I have been tiptoeing on for the past year of my life. Fine lines, and they are starting to blur.

Eats today:A serving of Fiber One with a diced up nectarine and a serving of yogurt. With a side of coffee of course.

The weight of all my anxiety is sitting on my chest, clawing and tearing away at my flesh and I know sooner rather than later it is going to cave and I am not going to be able to fight it. Something has got to give, right? I mean, nothing can stay this terrible forever, right? I keep trying to convince myself it seems. I keep trying to make things better for myself, but where am I getting? Who is caring? Anxiety is a monster. I am always nervous. I am always hungry. I will always be waiting for something better.

August 2

I didn't want to post much at all today because to be completely honest, the past three days have not been good days at all. Mentally and physically speaking. I'm pretty sure I have gained at least 5 pounds and I just don't know what I'm doing to myself anymore. I know what I am aiming for, but sometimes my mind just makes me do these things that don't make sense, and I hate it because it makes me hate myself.

Let's say eating has not been the greatest. I try to fill my pantry and refrigerator with things that I know if I eat will not harm my body too much but lately my mother arrived home and it's all been downhill from there. She buys cookies and processed shit and ice cream and now when I open the panty I see colors of chip bags and juice boxes and chocolate filled devil food cakes. I don't know I don't know I don't know.
Effect of this? I have been bingeing for 3 days straight. The worst part is that I'm not even going out to get the food I'm eating because the food is right there in my fucking pantry waiting for me to consume it. I don't know how to fill my days anymore. I use to be so well at making excuses and not eating whatever processed crap is laying around, but now that I have moved and I don't know anyone and have no places to be; I spend most of my time fighting with the person inside my head who wants me to eat and eat until I am obese and unable to see my ankles. I don't want that but she does.

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better.
I will have better eats up for you guys to see tomorrow so that I can keep myself under check.
Tomorrow will be better.

August 1

Yesterday and today have been complete hell. I don't know how to stop anymore. My insides are telling me one thing when my hands do another. Soon I can see this going somewhere terrible; soon I will no longer be able to resist. Until then, here I am. Eating to live, but not living to eat.

Eats for today:

Cool Mint Chocolate Clif bar.

I can't stand breathing today.

July 30

I bought a new scale and I'm afraid it's broken or something. No way I gained 3 pounds in a few hours when I haven't eaten anything since 3 o'clock yesterday afternoon. Why am I not eating? I have no idea. It was unplanned. Last night there was an unplanned rage inside of me that grew and grew until I felt like I could no longer contain it. Every day that passes there is this little part inside of me that just heats up, growing hotter and hotter, until the inevitable that I know is going to happen, occurs. There is nothing I am going to be able to do to control it. This is uncontrollable. The rage. The only thing I can control is what I am controlling right now.

I don't know how to put into words what I am feeling. Sadness? Despair? Rage? Anger? Betrayal? Happiness, I know it is not; and sadly, that is all I am certain of. With nothing to live for other than the pictures I look at every day and the memories that shape themselves into my dreams at night, I am slowly deteriorating. Physically, mentally. My bones are dying. At least, that is how it feels. The pain within me is growing from the inside out and I cannot find where it begins and so I cannot stop it. It is eating me and to be truthful I'd rather it eat me than me eat anything at all; but I know I soon must budge. My dying bones will need protein to live and so I must sacrifice my body in order to live for I have not reached the point where I am allowed to let go.

I am filling empty space. Sitting in this new room with new walls and the chance to start anew, all I can think about is how quickly life left me when I had it all. You cannot expect the worst, as I have come to realize. You can only expect what you assume is the worst; but the worst will always outdo what you preconceived. Learn from me please. Listen and learn.

I am filling empty space. A void is growing between me and what I lost. A void that is sucking everything in and away. One day I may be lucky enough to get sucked in with everything. Maybe someday the void will see how bad I am yearning and comply and take me into those muscular, strong arms and let me lay the side of my face on the floor of my past and let me cry.

I must not bow now. I will not.
I will give everything until I have nothing.
It has started.

July 29

Today has been one of those days where turning over a new leaf just feels right. I looked back at a lot of old journal and yearbooks and e-mails etc etc, and I took note of how happy I use to be. How I use to appreciate things for how they were and work hard at getting to the point I wanted to get to. I use to be so motivated and full of life. I was always expecting the best even when I was stuck smack dab in the middle of the fucking worst case scenario you could think of. That's just who I use to be; but now life has just been shit to me and caused me to become a shell.

I want to get it back, who I use to be. Motivated and expecting the best but prepared for the worst. Mentally I know I need to turn over a leaf and start doing the things I want to do. I know I want to be happy. I'm just not sure I deserve it yet. This little person who sits on my shoulder is in dire need of someone to mentally hurt and physically harm. I need a change.

Anyway, eats for the day:

HiLo, puffed kamut, cinnamon bun Jello.

I need a new scale. One that actually works. Do any of you have suggestions? I'm willing to drop a significant amount of cash if it is a really really good scale.

July 28

I didn't have it in me to post anything yesterday. So here is what I was working on before I stopped typing and fall asleep:

I was fatigued all around and couldn't get the image of looking like an utter wreck to everyone in the world out of my head so I just stayed in bed and read all day. My book is getting really good. The Thirteenth Tale. It's an awesome story about two women who find their way through discovering each other's truths. It's keeping me occupied so maybe you guys should check it out too.

Now over to my eats for that day:

A bowl with some butterscotch pudding and a little cup filled with some Kashi GoLean.

Then I stirred it all together. It was honestly like a party in a bowl.

So, I had that and nothing else. I'm down 2.5 pounds and I need some coffee in me.
Stay strong, some people are here to bring us down but I know we can all be strong.

July 27

I do not deserve to be living but I am far from being accepting of death. What would I be if I died in this terrible and obese state I am in? Who would want to bury this body I have made for myself? Who would want to even look at me?

I am suffering. It is all my fault. To be perfect is to be thin. My mind has mutilated itself day in and day out to be the way it is today, believing that happiness is thinness. BELIEVING, no longer thinking. My mind has mutated my thoughts into a huge web. I am no longer able to escape these claws. These terrible, long nailed, bony claws.

I am worthless today. Tomorrow will be the same. Until I can lay my head down at night and feel the pain that is mal-nourishment, I will be unhappy. I will be worthless. I will be pathetic. Living because I have no right to die, I will have to keep on going tomorrow until there is nothing left. Until I am empty. Satisfied. Eyes closed. Rushing pulse. Eat? To eat is to die.

July 26

I don't know what to write about. Today has been unfulfilling in so many ways. I just wish I could have a life again. Something to do. People to see. Homework to be done. College is starting up soon and I can't wait to crawl away into my books and let time pass me by. Knowledge is the only thing I feed on these days. Knowledge is the only thing I can trust to enter my body without ruining it. If only you guys knew the thoughts that go through my mind each and every second of the day. Some days, like today, I catch myself sitting alone and staring blankly and thinking to myself:
I exist, that is all.
And I find that thought completely nauseating.

Eats for today:

A banana cut in half with cream cheese spread in the middle and chucked in the freezer for a couple of hours until frozen.

I need to get control.

July 25

Bad day.
Bad fucking day.

July 24

8 hours without any solids.

8 p.m. I had this:

Cheesecake yogurt with some grapenuts.

I tried SO SO SO hard to eat this slowly. It took me 30 minutes to finish this small bowl, but then dinner time cooking just took hold of me and I ate a burger and then had two oreos before I made myself stop. I fucked up again. Nighttime eating is just my weakness. fuck.

I don't want to think about this anymore. 5 laxatives later.
I need sleep.
Tomorrow is tomorrow.

-.8 lbs

July 23

Breakfast eats:


A big bowl filled with a minuscule amount of fat-free yogurt, bordered with five raspberries and with a few Grapenuts strewn on the side. Oh, and my wonderful cup of green tea. It was a mighty fine way to start my day if I do say so myself.

I don't want to talk about what I did to my body afterwards. All you have to know is I went to the movies and opted for a hotdog and then some chocolate and popcorn and....FUCK. I don't understand why I can't control myself lately. I use to be able to go for days and days without solids but...I just need to gain control back. CONTROL. My life is spinning and I can't take hold of anything lately. School. Food. My house is a mess.

Tomorrow I will start out with a good breakfast eat and then no more food until....well, dinner probably. I need to learn to control when I eat before I can start controlling WHAT I eat.

I guess tonight I'm just going to wallow a bit in pity and disgust and wait until sleep comes so I can start over tomorrow. I need motivation to kick me in the ass before I explode to 900 pounds. I'll update tomorrow, stay strong. Some motivational thoughts sent my way would be nice. Night.

July 22

Today has just been a boring unfulfilling day in my opinion.
I woke up, brushed my teeth, washed my face and then unpacked box after box but everything seemed to get...well, nowhere. Everything is still cluttered and I just want to sleep.
The past few days I've been getting these horrible horrible headaches, migraines? I don't know. I just wish they would go away. Most likely they are stress related though. I wouldn't put it past myself. I stress out about everything and anything, even if it's not my problem.

Anyway, onto my eats for today. Well, tonight actually:



In that bowl is a handful of blueberries and two blackberries that I nuked for about 45 seconds until they were nice and warm and gooey, then over that I threw some plain fat-free yogurt and lastly I tossed on some Kashi GoLean on top of the whole thing. Can you say YUMMY? Because that's what my tummy was thinking.

Besides that I've had a bunch of water and some diet soda. I've been craving peanut butter so tomorrow will probably have my eats on that topic. Todays intake couldn't have been over 500 calories anyway so it's all good. What are my plans for tomorrow? Wake up around 9 a.m. make some breakfast, unpack more boxes, wait for the mail to arrive and that's pretty much it. I'm so sleepy right now and I'm sorry this post isn't more interesting. Tomorrow I will have more eats though and maybe a few funny stories. Stay strong.

July 21

Obviously I'm going about everything in a terrible way that isn't helping me. Hrmph. Change scares me I guess, but I know I am going to have to deal with change and make things happen because goods things will not happen unless you help them along.

My mindset is changing.

I'm reversing and going back into old ways.

What I ate today: Fat free yogurt mixed with grapenuts (yummy) and with blueberries, raspberries and blackberries.

I'm pretty confident that this will be my last meal of the day and tomorrow morning I'll make something else with the rest of my raspberries. Restricting is getting easier. I'm not trying anymore, I just do it. Involuntary, that's the way I like it.

I'm thinking I'll go and read for the rest of tonight. I haven't finished a good book in a long long time. Be back tomorrow, stay strong.

**EDIT**

So, I went 10 hours without any grub and just now, JUST NOW for NO reason in my mind, I devoured 5 boneless hot-wings, a handful of french fries, 6 spoonfuls of baked beans and 6 baby pickles.

"Why in the world did you do that?!!!!"

Fuck if I know, I wasn't even hungry.

"You just had to keep eating and eating and eating."

Well yeah, that's me. I'm a pig. Omnomnomnom.

"Tomorrow is water and fruit day."

I know, I know....

July 19

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Every time I look at food I end up shoving it into my mouth and I just can't make myself stop. It's only the morning and I already ate two pieces of toast and I feel horrid.

I need to get back on track. I need to do my research and find out what is bothering me and how to control it so I can get back to my old ways.

I have to own my compulsiveness or it will turn me into a 700 pound fat person who doesn't care about anything. I'd much rather be 85 pounds and not care about anything.

I'm going to be studying so much to keep my mind off of things today.

I'm going to try to just get through today without eating anything sweet and sugar filled.

Fruits.

Vegetables.

Water.

Diet Soda.

Those things are okay.

Safe.

I can burn those.

Stupidfuckingtoast.

I'll update later, or something.