September 11

I don't know why, I'm just angry all the time, at everything.

And I am so tired of being fat.

August 7

I do not want to be who they want me to be.

Do you ever feel like your life has sunken into so much shit that there is just no possible way of ever crawling out? What do you do when your foundation falls apart?

Someone asked me today, "What is one thing that you really miss?"

And I said, "Happiness."

I want to start over.

August 5

My banana split:

The first initial bite was great. My tongue swelled with all the flavors my stomach had been missing. My eyes widened. I could feel my starved stomach devouring that first bite. Then, after about the third bite, everything just changed. After the third bite I stared down at the banana split. My heart pounding out of my chest. "What are you doing Adeline? What are you doing?" I did not know what I was doing. My eyes began to get moist. "Why am I crying?" I tried to stop myself from eating the rest, but, as usual, I could not. I started to eat it all. No, not eat...shovel. I shovelled every last bit of that banana split into my mouth while tears streamed down my face. I was unable to stop. I was scared of what I was doing. "How will I fix this?" I was terrified of the consequences.

I do not know what happened when it was all over. I do not remember how I cleaned up. The exact time I fell asleep. How I managed to change my clothes. All I know is that it is over and I need to say my goodbyes to the monster inside of me and wave hello to my safe self, the self I have always known, the 800-calories-a-day-Adeline. The woman I want to be.

I'm so tired of food.

August 2

I am going to eat a whole banana split by myself in 30 minutes.

I have already planned this in my head.

It is going to happen...

and once it is over

I am never eating ever again.

May 4

Classes are almost over.

My last final is Friday and then I will be done with this semester of college.

I think the stress is what is getting to me, what is making me act like a pig.

Today was better, but not what I wanted it to be. I wanted a fast, but, I will work back up to that.

I am almost done.

I can feel the freedom.

May 3

I just devoured a big mac, a spicy mcchicken sandwich, a medium fry and a large fry.

I feel like throwing up, but I can't, I just can't.

My gag reflex doesn't work and I am all out of laxatives and I give up on everything.

Why can't I just stop eating?

I shouldn't be crying, I'm so weak. So weak.

I don't know what to do.

I'm scared.

March 23

I broke my fast today after 48 hours. I tried to make it to 72 but my body just couldn't.

As of right now I am eating a cup full of frozen pineapple and frozen dark cherries. Eh. My body just needs nutrients right now because I am feeling sick, so I had to eat something. I may fast again for the next two days. If I don't fast tomorrow, I will make sure my calories do not go over 500.

I'm so tired. I need sleep, but lately when I sleep, I don't want to wake up.

I'm going to go watch some TV and try to fall asleep.

March 22

The scale is lying, he has to be. I am not thin enough.

Today was my first successful full day of fasting. I am going to fast tomorrow also and see if I can make it through.

Sometimes I imagine how much better my life will be once I am thin and in control. I will be happy and loved. I will be wanted. I am sure these things are the only things that most of us want. To be important. To be thin. To be skinny.

I am not hungry.

March 21

I fasted for 19 hours today, then I ate two big sandwiches and 12 big potato fries. Fuck everything.

I just tried to purge for the first time and nothing came up. I think I'm doing it wrong. I just want those sandwiches out, I was doing so well...

I guess this is a start.

Tomorrow I will get my fasting to 24 hours.

Why am I so weak all of a sudden?

I am going to buy a scale tomorrow and hopefully I will find a good one.

I wish I had laxatives, or at least knew how to purge properly.

What do I want? I want to reach my goal weight, and fuck having little goals along the way. I want to be skinny and happy. I want love and control.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

If I want it bad enough.

March 20

I just got back to my apartment from spending the week at my parents house for Spring Break. I forgot my scale. I don't know what I am going to do for the rest of this week. No scale means that I will most likely restrict a lot more than usual just because I have no idea if I am losing or not. I only go by the numbers.

Regardless, my break was okay. I mean, I'm just ready to get back to school and get everything done with. I'm so tired of this semester and I can't wait until it ends.

This week my eating habits will probably be along the lines of lots of water, coffee and an occasional granola bar or some frozen fruit if I have to eat something.

This coming month, I need to lose 15 pounds. I just want to get to my goal weight already.

How are you all doing? Any new diets or anything you want to share?

Stay strong.

March 19

"Adeline, why are you so fat?"

FAT

EAT

FAT

EAT

FAT

EAT

FAT

EAT

FAT

EAT

I am fat because I eat.

I eat because I'm mad.

I am sad because I eat.

I eat because I'm fat.

I am mad because I eat.

I eat because I'm sad.

My life is a simple: eat less, feel happier; eat more, feel shittier.

simple, simple, simple.

Diet for this week: coffee, water, frozen fruit.

February 22

"It's okay to gain a few pounds, it's okay."

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

"It is NOT okay Adeline. You are a slob. Unsuccessful, hideous, worthless, fat."

No matter how hard I try to make myself believe that one normal meal is okay. In the end, I end up hating myself that much more. In the end, the hatred is all my fault. The truth is, I know what will make me happy. Not eating. So my happiness depends on myself.

I'm back on frozen fruit, coffee and water.

I'm back to not enough sleep/too much sleep.

I'm back to myself.

February 15

Unfortunately.

I am still living.

Who wants to fast with me for the rest of the week?

I will begin daily posts again tomorrow.

Let you ladies know why I have been M.I.A.

December 20

He keeps me egging me on, "come on Adeline, put that carrot down. Don't you dare put that in your mouth."

I am losing.

This past week has been one of the most tortuous of my entire life.

Depressed, bed ridden, tear streaked face, empty stomach, weak body, cold fingertips, numb mind, suicidal thoughts. Why does life have to be so hard? Life isn't suppose to be this complicated. Life is suppose to be full of challenges and obstacles you have to get around or over; but, life is not suppose to be this fucking tiring, tedious, toilsome. Eight months ago life wasn't this exhausting. Eight months ago I was happy. Believe it or not, I was happy. I think I had to retype that sentence to convince myself rather than you. I remember a time when I didn't want to sleep because everything was going so well. I remember enjoying daily things: checking the mail, brushing my teeth, watching a TV show, listening to a song on repeat, walking my dog. Daily things that every person should enjoy. Eight months ago, I was happy; but now, it is getting so much more difficult to recall that happiness.

"I was happy," I thought to myself this morning, as I sat in front of my mirror, contemplating life and what the fuck I am even doing on this Earth. I do that a lot. Some daily ritual. Sit in front of my shitty mirror, feeling shitty, crying shitty tears, feeling this shitty depression creeping into my bones. It is in my bones.

Adeline, you were happy once.

I was happy once.

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago in a far, far away past, I, Adeline, was happy.

December 19

Some mornings, right after I wake up, still sleepy, groggy and disillusioned, I convince myself that, "Maybe if you just pretend as if everything is okay, maybe if you just smile and laugh and make jokes and forget about all the shit you've had dumped on you, maybe if you just act as if you are happy, as if everything in your life is going as perfect as it could go, everything will be just fine."

Then, I get up out of bed, wipe my thinning, black hair out of my face and lift it up into a bun at the base of my neck, take a few steps toward my full, body-length mirror-hands down by my side, eyes searching my own for some sort of answer, trying to stop myself from looking down at my body, attempting to form a smile, trying my damn hardest to grab just one happy memory out from the inside of my mind. Then, tears begin to form, hot and stinging. Once again the cold, harsh truth hits like a punch to the stomach. "It doesn't work that way Adeline. It just doesn't fucking work like that."

Some days are easier than others, but most days, most for me, are not at all.

I can feel this creature growing inside of my chest. He is filling himself with anger. With my anger, is how he grows. Anger, betrayal, hatred. All of these things that I feel inside are feeding him, not food, and whatever he needs is what I eat. I cannot eat anger, betrayal or hatred. Those things can only be felt, and each time I feel those, I sense this creature growing. At first he was small, only a tiny seed. Now, quite rapidly, he is progressing. He wants out and sooner or later, he is going to get what he wants because the day will come when I will be too weak to hold him in. For now, I can clench my teeth, ball my hands into fists, cry. For now these things work. But even as I am typing, I can feel his blood beginning to fuse with mine, our thoughts becoming one and the same. Each day I feel as if it is becoming increasingly more difficult to distinguish his wants from my own.

He wont give up, and eventually, I will.

December 18

Just when things seem to be going well. Just when you start to put one foot in front of the other. Just when you begin to crawl out of bed earlier each day. Just when you catch yourself smiling for no reason at all. Just when your pillow is tear free. Just when you rediscover that laugh you forgot you had. Just when you feel you can inhale without having to hold your breath for months on end because you're frightened you wont be able to catch another breath. Just when happiness is around the corner. Just when you can almost feel your heart beat again.

That. That moment. That day when all of these things happen. That, is when everything goes completely, utterly, irreparably and fucking terribly wrong.

Five. Count them with me: one, two, three, four, five. Five months. Five months of working my ass off. Five months of tears. Five months full of sadness. Five months full of self hatred that somehow multiplied itself to grow and mutate to three-thousand times what it was before. Five months of hoping. Five months of saying, "Just 4 more months," to, "Just 3 more months," to, "Just 2 more months," to, "Just 1 more month." Five months of utter hell. Five months that have now transformed into an ugly fucking ten months. Ten. Count them with me: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Ten.

What am I suppose to do now? Someone, please tell me. What, am I suppose to do? In five more months everything can change. I don't want anything to change. What is someone suppose to do when they have everything planned out and the plan doesn't fall through? What are you suppose to do when your whole foundation crumbles and you are left on the cold, hard, wet floor with tears in your eyes, unable to fucking stand because the pain in your heart is so massive. What are you suppose to do when you don't know what the fuck to do?

How do you live, function, breath?

How do you not lose your faith in all of mankind?

How do you get back up and wipe those fucking tears off of your face so that you can curse the person who fucked you up, screwed you over and broke their worthless, meaningless, shit promise?

Starve.

Five more months of starving.

Maybe I'll just die before then.

December 5

"What are you doing to yourself?"

I've asked myself this question too many times in the past week.

I'm starving and I can't bring myself to eat.

I will not be fat.

Fat is failure.

Food is failure.

My bones are aching to burst out from under this fat.

My bones are aching for nourishment.

I am bruising so easily.

I am starting another fast tomorrow.

3 days this time because the 5 days really, really wore me down. By day five I'm pretty sure I wasn't sleeping at all, or thinking straight without the help of loads of coffee, which I didn't mind at all. 3 days should be good. Anyone want to join in?

I hate posting "stats," but I'll definitely post how much I lose each day just to make sure I keep you guys up with my progress. Let me know how things are going for you all, especially now during the holidays. Are you freaking out as much as I am?

November 28

Starting a five day fast tomorrow with some ladies I've met on my tumblr.

Guidelines to follow:

No food

Coffee

Tea

Lots and lots of water

On a more personal note.

As the days have been passing, I have been feeling more and more as if I am disappearing and dissolving into my surroundings. My body, physically and mentally, is deteriorating but it still is not enough. Five days. Five. F i v e .

November 17

Cold. Hungry. Sleepy. Can't sleep. Shivering. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee.

I am a disgrace.

I am a pig.

I will never be loved because I. Don't. Deserve. Love.

Goal: 20 pounds by Christmas.

200 when I start feeling faint, other wise fasting every. single. day.

Who's with me?

I'm thinking of it as a science experiment. See how long my body can go before it.....gives out, I suppose. I don't want to ever see another fucking plate of food again.

November 1

I apologize for being absent from this for some time, I just have so much shit going on inside my head right now.

My mother is taking this whole me wanting to transfer thing, TERRIBLY. She is convinced that I am doing it for a boy even though I truly believe it's because she doesn't think I can do this on my own. Even though I have been living alone already for a full semester and nothing has gone wrong. NOTHING. I am learning as I go. I am paying my bills. I am paying my own gas. I have a fucking 3.75 GPA and am taking on 16 hours of class credit. I have not fallen on my face. I am doing just fucking fine on my own. Why can't she see this?

She told me we'd talk about it this weekend when she comes back down. So I vowed not to eat anything until this weekend. Maybe if she can see the physical pain and anxiety she is putting me through, she will realize how terrible a mistake she is making if she doesn't let me go. Seriously, I thought that the biggest hurdle I would have to jump was actually getting ACCEPTED to the University. Only 150 students are admitted for transfer every year and I was lucky enough to be one...and she can't fucking wrap her narrow brain around that thought.

My stomach is clawing at me as I'm writing this. Begging for food.

Fuck off.

Beside all of this mess, I don't know what else to say. I have no motivation right now because my mind is all on this "weekend chat" I have to sit through. Which will most likely result in my mother storming off, upset that I don't want to stay here. I couldn't sleep at all last night and this morning my head hurt like you wouldn't believe. I know my school work will suffer this week if I let this get to me, but it's hard not to think about something this big that can affect so much of my life.

All this anxiety is going to kill me. Or else malnourishment.

I can't yet die though, because no one wants to autopsy an ugly, fat corpse.