I stood in front of my mirror, mindlessly checking my hair and my face and my clothes before I walked out to go to the movies, and then it happened. I stopped moving and actually looked at myself and I thought, "Why the fuck don't I look as fragile as I feel?" I haven't eaten all day.
There comes a breaking point within me and I know exactly when it's about to happen. It happens when I try to maintain at least 800 calories a day. When I try to have a few snacks every four hours to make sure I get enough calories that day; but then slowly my mind doesn't let myself eat. I start thinking, "Oh I can miss this snack." And that is where it begins. When I start restricting, I essentially stop eating because I don't like to deal with all the calorie counting and so my mind just stops wanting food. I am in a very bad place, and it will only get worse from here. I don't know what to do, what to think, what to eat.
I need to look as fragile as I feel. Like, I'm going to fall to pieces. Sometimes I want to fall to pieces.